Master of Learning

At the moment, I don't have a martial art that I've mastered; definitely a future prospect. But there is one thing I've mastered, and it's really helped me along. I don't claim mastery of anything in truth, even writing my love. But my ambition has always been to have mastery of learning itself, and so I refer to myself as a "Master of Learning".

I'm watching Star Wars Episode III as I write this, and it's a perfect parallel in the character of Anakin Skywalker. His character flaw is his pride; his pride won't allow him to submit to anyone's authority; even his submission to Emperor Palpatine is for the sake of his wife. The Bible says it's foolish to not listen to people, to not seek understanding, to think yourself incapable of being taught. That arrogance is seen in Anakin in every Star Wars episode; he leaves the Jedi because of it, kills his wife because of it, fights his own master and eventually loses his limbs because of it.

At the same time, there's another theme that Anakin's role expresses. Anakin becomes the most powerful Jedi/Sith eventually, but it's because of his knowledge of both the light and the dark sides of the force. And eventually, the battle between light and darkness, between Jedi and Sith, moves from outside of him to inside of him. And he, as Sith Lord Darth Vader, overthrows the Emperor as light eventually conquers the darkness within him.

As much as I hate school, my occupation in life is a student. I realized a long time ago that learning is much, much more than being in a classroom. I learn from EVERYTHING. I learn from people, places, things, ideas, accidents, experiments, randomness, mistakes, you name it. I learned that the smallest steps can attain the highest speeds, but at considerably higher energy costs by watching a spider or a roach run. I learned that heat contributes to thunderstorms by watching weather patterns over a series of days.

I learn by necessity. Right now I'm learning CSS code, HTML, and Photoshop so that I don't hafta pay people to make webpages for me. I began as a rapper, but I became a producer because I couldn't afford to pay people to produce music for me.

I learn in anticipation of things. I used to sit thru church sermons directed at married couples while others my age would blow it off, knowing that one day I hope be married and would need to draw upon the same information. I learned at an early age that Experience is a hard teacher, a lesson also reinforced in scripture I later discovered, and so I learned it is better to know before the crisis rather than to be at the mercy of an unfamiliar threat.

I learned to deal with situations in their entirety and not to think with bias. I have beliefs and values, but I always entertain opposing views; this is because I learned that, if my views are indeed correct, then I have nothing to fear from opposing views. My cousin once said I should be a lawyer, and this is the way lawyers think; yes, they want to win their case, but winning the case requires an understanding of the incident and the opposing view. To refuse to hear both sides of a case is a sign that one is insecure about his position, and insecurity derives from that pride I mentioned earlier.

As Anakin learned both the light and dark sides of the force, I learn what is right and hold to it, but will literally sit at the feet of my enemy to learn his way also. Because, if my way is right, then it will still be right at the end of the day. I think about the verse from the Bible that says we should be "wise as a serpent, but harmless as a dove". The serpent is a representative of many dark themes in the Bible, yet we are told to have a serpent's wisdom. We are not to practice wrongdoing and wrongthinking, but we are to know it, as we will hafta live with and deal with it. And I've found that, in knowing the darkness, I've gained better understanding of the light as well; the same as a shadow tell you the time of day and the direction of the lightsource.

My favorite thing about learning is that in learning, I've learned that all things are relative. In school they break subjects up into categories, and students say "I excel in this" or "I suck at that". I've found that even in school, everything taught is relative to something in another field. The goal is not to specialize in one thing, but to interconnect the fields into a continuous stream. Even now, as I'm writing this entry, I'm using a movie to illustrate my ideas. This is why analogies are important; it's important to not isolate ideas and be able to relate subjects because sometimes this is how we gain understanding of an idea; it allows people of different interests and specializations to comingle and build.

I'm constantly working on things, trying things, experimenting, contemplating, anticipating, listening, interpreting, predicting, analyzing, evaluating, imagining, recording, comparing, contrasting, postulating, figuring, calculating, and just dreaming. I pray for knowledge, understanding, and wisdom and know the difference between the three. I think understanding is my favorite part, but knowledge is a prerequisite understanding, and wisdom gives understanding its value. I could get into that right now, but... another time.

Bottom line: the only thing in life I have "mastery" of is learning; and learning is a neverending process of which there can never be true mastery. But in learning to learn, you learn a potpourri of other things. The humility to be a student is one of the greatest assets one can obtain.

Jesus PeaceB-J

Bittersweet Dreams

"Mercy Mercy Me (the Ecology)" huh... What a video. That was so dope; so soulful, so relevant. Video Soul, keep doin whatchu do for a Jigabod aight...

Well, I'm not sure what to call it, but this is what it is: I opened up a water bill and there was a brochure in it. But it wasn't the bill or what was in the brochure that concerned me; on the cover of the brochure were pictures from several water-related facilities in my area. The one that caught my attention was the area lock-and-dam.

Dag... I've only been there once in my life. It was in the seventh grade I think, after our team got cheated in the Science Bowl. Our coaches took us there after the event to reward us; the lock-and-dam was also a park, so we spent the rest of the afternoon there. I'll never forget who was there. There was the one girl who I had a crush on at the time; then there was the girl I SHOULDA had a crush on.

I just started thinking to myself, "What are the odds... If I were to grab my keys right now and roll down to the lock-and-dam... she might be there too..." Yeah right, lol. Number one, I'm not burning that much gas, cuz I don't even remember how to get to the lock-and-dam. Number two, think back to my "What If" post from waaaaaay back at the beginning of my blog journey; well, she's one of the married chicks I mentioned.

But sheesh, it's been a long time since I've thought about her. The last time I thought about her, it was when my little sister noticed me watching Keyshia Cole and said, "She kinda reminds you of ______ doesn't she?" (btw, that was the most perceptive thing my sister ever said to me; she read me like a book, lol)

I just started imagining going down to the lock. Maybe the park is the same as it was that day back in middle school. And maybe she's looking out over the water. Hopefully, she throws me that same look as when I saw her last, in the mall; just a look that said she was sincerely happy to see me. A quick hug, then a chat. Maybe I bring up that corny, true-geek letter I sent her in the 10th grade when I transferred schools to get her to laugh; MAN she had a great laugh. And the harder she laughed the better it always sounded. And then, by some miracle, I discover that she's not really married. Maybe it was a rouse or she was just in a situation or whatever. And she and I spend the rest of the day at the lock together, catching up, goofing off... the way it shoulda happened back in middle school, lol.

Ya know, I had a dream about running into her once before; I was asleep for that one though. It was the most random thing in the world, but I dreamt that for some reason I was in Atlanta. And I think she called my name out, or something like that; anyway we just end up meeting in the middle of the street. And when we embrace, time slows down for us, and everything around us just becomes a blur. I mean, it doesn't sound very strange or atypical... I'm just not used to having dreams like that. You know, where everything's that perfect. Tangent...

But you know, even writing this blog, I'm not really bitter. Sure, I would've liked to have had her, even for a little while. But--- and I'm not quite sure how to call this--- I'm content. I'm single, and I'm... content. I think about girls, but I'm not killin myself over anybody, ya know? I just like to dream. Doesn't mean I'm actually in love; it's just a sweet scenario.

The real bitterness in all of it is, I don't really dream a lot anymore. Maybe there is such a thing as being too content; I mean, for Pete's sake, I opened a water bill and was more fascinated with the picture on the brochure than with the amount I'm about to hafta shell out.

Or maybe... I just need to stop staying up so late writing blogs for you cats and get some shuteye, lol.

Jesus PeaceB-J

The Waiting Room Part II

So I was watching Star Wars Episode III today, and I got to the end where Queen Amidala/Padme has her twins and dies. As I was watching the part where her daughter (Princess Leia for those who don't get into Star Wars) is given to her previous guardsman, I finally had the inspiration to pick up the "waiting room" series. If you remember last time, I wrote about all the things I want to tell my son when he comes. That post is still in progress, as new things are coming to me all the time, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to start on this one in the meantime.

So, in the event I ever have a daughter, here are some things I want to tell her:

1. "You're beautiful. You're SOOOO beautiful. God doesn't make mistakes, so don't ever doubt your beauty. ...But don't let it go to your head, haha."

2. "Smile as much as you can. It's good for ya. Smile juuust enough to where people might think you're crazy."

3. "Dudes work on their words like girls work on their appearance. Don't let a cat talk you into being with him so easily; watch what he does."

4. "If a dude doesn't respect his parents, he won't know how to respect you."

5. "Don't let any man treat you any less than I've ever treated you."

6. "Don't ever feel like you need a 'boyfriend' cuz you got daddy. And no matter what happens I'm always gonna take care of you."

7. "It's okay to look nice, but make sure people see you for who you are and not what you look like. And on that note, don't let what you look like be contradictory to who you are."

8. "Go talk to your mom."

9. "Go ask your mom."

10. "Before you ask me to do that, there's an old commercial with LL Cool J and a little girl that I should tell you about. He was sitting on a stoop doing his daughter's hair and..."

11. "Rubies are better than diamonds because rubies shine from within, while diamonds reflect light from without."

12. "Those other girls probably don't have fathers, Boo."

13. "Your grandmama was a wonderful woman, that's why I talk about her all the time."

14. "In our society, you gotta be real sharp. They will demand more of you than they would of a man, but with Christ you can meet any challenge. HOWEVER, don't spend your life trying to prove yourself to others; do whatever it is God says you were meant to do, and let them think what they want."

15. "Motherhood is nothing to be ashamed of. A woman is capable of doing anything a man can do, but just because she can doesn't mean that she should. Men and women weren't put here to compete with each other. And motherhood is one of the most powerful anointings God ever set in motion. Why do you think your mother gets the world on Mother's Day and I get a new necktie, haha...ha... No, I LIKE the tie... It's a pretty tie... You got taste..."


More to come...

The Great Qi Mystery Continues: It Feels Like... The Coolest Feeling

It feels like...(wiping my forehead)

It feels like... fever. But, as I place the back of my hand to my forehead... to the side of my face... I'm as cool as can be.

It feels like... steam. The steam from blazing asphalt at the end of a downpour. It's so hot inside; much hotter within than without... and without, it's 85 degrees.

It feels like... a hot song. No, not a chart topper... More like... like the melody from Keith Sweat's song, "How Deep Is Your Love". That hot.

It's burning me, like hearing Erykah Badu singing, "slow, hot wind..." That's exactly what it feels like.

It's not that "bothered" hot either; while I think about girls at random intervals throughout the day, there's not a single one I take to bed with me, dig? It's something else...

I wake up in the morning and it feels like my whole body's lit. And yet, the couch itself (yes, I'm chillin on the couch in my own house) is cool like I'm not even there. Coincidentally, I have been eating a lot of rice the last few days...

I feel good; not especially great, but at the same time I feel... daring. Like... I can do anything, and yet I can lose to anyone at the same time. It's that "balance of extremities" idea I discussed a few months ago, remember? Hm...

My instincts told me to make a note of these feelings. I'm thinkin... they may be qi related maybe? I won't know until I figure out what qi really is. I'm still a believer that qi is a scientific phenomenon that we just haven't learned to perceive yet, so I figure anything is noteworthy eh? A good scientist recognizes even the smallest detail. Although... if you felt the heat I was feeling. you wouldn't say it was a small detail. You'd say it was the coolest feeling, lol.

The Great Qi Mystery Continues...B-J

The Waiting Room...

There's a little somebody out there somewhere, no bigger than a twinkle in my eye. He looks like me, and somebody else too. He's my own flesh and blood; a new story inherited. I can't wait.

No, nobody out there has my baby pending, lol. But I was just thinking today, what will I pass to my son when he comes? It was such a thought, I had to write something. Just to have something to look forward to, ya know?

So, here are the things I plan to teach to my son when he finds his way here. Some of it may be redundant because, what can I say, the Bible is still right. But some is my personal perspective on things. And this post actually may never end cuz I'll probably think of something new from day to day. Anyway:

1. Son, Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. It may sound cliche, but it's true. It's like one of those 3-D puzzles; you hafta look at it the right way for things to become clear for you. And knowing Jesus gives you the "right way" to make life comes into clarity.

2. Son, you hafta ask God to show you who you are. There may come times in your life when I try to make you into something you're not, like putting wings on a car, ya know? It's no longer a car, but a plane. You hafta ask God to tell you who and what you are, and then you become that to the best of your ability. And if I ever interfere with you becoming that, just let me know (politely), and I'll listen. Because I'm here to help you grow in stature, not to change who you are.

3. Son, girls are gonna change your life one day. Always be nice to them. You hafta be careful how you treat them because God made them different from you in many ways. Always be respectful to them, and don't let anybody be disrespectful to them around you.

4. An upright man is a man who follows and emulates Christ; the measure of a man is his ability to sacrifice. And that sacrifice comes out of a man's love. You'll know love when you're willing to sacrifice. Christ set the example.

5. Don't work to get rich, Son. Money is important, but money shouldn't be your motivator. That's why we tithe; to remember that our relationship with God is first over any of our possessions.

6. Love is when you prefer someone over yourself. The best way to live is to be more concerned about those around you than yourself, and God will look after you in return.

7. School is only a small part of learning, Son. Everything you see has something to teach you if you pay attention. A smart man will always be a student and learn as much as he can. It'll keep your mind sharp.

8. Be confident, Son; not confident in what you can do, but confident in what you know God can do through you.

9. You know, I believe God made us the way we are for a reason. Your pop's face is hairy right? But if you look closely, I have blemished skin beneath it. My hair gives me an even skin tone. God's pretty smart, isn't He? When you get to be a teen, you'll probably want to change a lot of things about yourself; but learn to appreciate what God made you first.

10. Don't feed the animals, Son; when people act like animals, don't react to them, because it will only give them something to work with. But when you can ignore what they do and love them anyway, you'll shame them.

11. You won't believe me for a long long time Son, cuz you're young; but beauty is overrated. One day, you'll realize that having a good girl is better than having a pretty girl. But it just might turn out you'll find one who's both, lol.

12. Nice guys don't finish last, Son; nice guys finish. "The race is not given to the swift or the strong, but to he that endureth to the end." Those other guys will spend the rest of their lives unsatisfied, going from woman to woman. But you'll find a good woman, and have the rest of your life to share with her. Don't you see your mother in there?...

13. I'm gonna give you a tip that's gonna save you some stress; don't talk about something if you can't do anything about it.

14. No matter if a person is richer or poorer than you, they are your equal. Never feel inferior to or look down on anyone.

15. Your second cousin Donnie told me something years ago: "if you're gonna pray, don't worry; if you're gonna worry, don't pray." That's some good advice. So pray and pray often, and don't worry.

16. Racism is something you're gonna face in your life if you live here. But don't let it engulf you, Son. Some people will hate you, but the few don't represent the whole. Continue to love all and pray for those that hate.

17. Make friends, Son. Good friends are some of the most precious things you can have in this life. I've had friends that have been with me for decades now, and it just blows my mind to know we've been together this long. It's a true blessing.

18. lol, Try this, Son... Don't worry about dating girls. If you like a girl, get to know her; talk, laugh, joke, listen, LISTEN, and just be with her, like you would a friend. What you'll find is opportunities will present themselves. One minute you're talking, the next you get hungry. So you ask her, "I got the munchies; you hungry too?" Boom, you're off to get something to eat. Or maybe you see she's struggling in a class and you can help her. "Think you'll be ready for this test? If not, I can help." Boom, you're off to help her study. Date-dates are overrated... fun, but overrated, lol.

19. People tend to pass responsibility, Son. I mean, like if you see trash on the street, most people say to themselves, "somebody else'll get it" or "I didn't put it there, it's not my problem". That's why things never change, Son. Anytime you can do something to make things better, do it.

20. Question everything, Son. Many of the things people take for granted should be questioned. And regardless of what answer you find, when you question, you learn.

21. Cousin Donnie used to beat me to death in fighting games. But I kept coming back and coming back and practicing and practicing. And now he won't even fight me, lol... SO PICK THAT CONTROLLER BACK UP... I need some competition...

22. Who you are behind closed doors is the real you.

23. Treat your body right man; you'll appreciate it now and somebody else will later, trust me...

24. The way you feel starts to show in your appearance, so work on your "feel good".

25. You can learn to do anything if you try it, Man. People say I'm talented, but I just concentrate, take my time, and try real hard. And when you do that enough, anything becomes second nature. The most import thing is that initial effort, and then the patience. Don't compare your learning curve to anyone elses; learn at your own pace, and eventually it will come to you.

26. Ya gotta have empathy, Man. You can't judge a person by his/her actions because there was always something in the background that brought them to the point of deciding to do what they did; and if they claim it was nothing, they're usually lying.

27. Yes, ya pops still watches cartoons; the real shows are fake too so what's the point, lol...

28. Never trust people to do what they say they're gonna do, lol. I'm not saying everybody is untrustworthy, but never be in a position where you're totally dependent on someone else. Always have a backup, or be ready to take an extra burden yourself if necessary.

29. Ginger beer is the greatest drink on Earth son. It may burn at first, but you'll get used to it, lol.

30. If you have a dream, something you wanna try, anything, let me know and I'll do my best to support you, Son.

31. Walk with your head up and your eyes forward, Son.

32. As long as you do your best, you never have anything to be ashamed of.

33. Strive for perfection and you'll always have something to look forward to.


...But what if it's a girl?! More to come...

More than a Conqueror...

Totally unrelated to this entry, I just saw Aaliyah on TV and STILL can't believe she's gone. I'm laughing to myself not because it's funny, but just because it seems so ridiculous, like it's a bad joke or something. Anyway, "more than a conqueror"...

I've been thinking about that biblical phrase for years now. "More than a conqueror". For years, I just took it as a figure of speech meaning "conqueror would be an understatement; totally victorious" or something like that. And, in essence, I think that's true in a great degree. But recently I was thinkin again...

Well, let me ask you this... who's stronger: Superman when bullets bounce off his chest, or a man who continues in spite of a several bullet wounds? I bet you never thought about it, but what is real strength? It's not when you can easily triumph over something. Strength is the amount of "in spite of's" one can shoulder. If it's no challenge, then there's no strength involved.

I mean, it's common sense really: how can one "overcome" when he's never been "underneath"? It takes more strength to say no to drugs after you've been addicted than before; it takes more strength to not steal when you're poor than when you're well-off. Make sense?

So, back to the original theme, "More than a conqueror". To conquer something is to overcome it, and as I said before, "more than a conqueror" I simply took as a hyperbole or figure of speech indicating total victory or the like. But I think I know what it's really saying. And um... depending on how you see life, it's not exactly fun.

What I think it really and truly means is this: to be more than a conqueror is not to overcome circumstances, but to persist in well-doing for the duration of circumstances. I think about my mother for instance. Her cancer didn't go away, but she continued WITH the cancer. It was a much stronger feat for her to do that than to have the cancer go away.

And when you think about it, that's a Godly feat; what human in his/her right mind would opt to live with an obstacle rather than be rid of it? So that's what I think the Bible truly means when it says more than a conqueror; because truly, it takes more strength to endure hardship than to overcome it.

So in my mind, I toggle this concept. Why? Because personally, I just wanna conquer things. I'm a very goal-oriented cat, and the last thing I want is baggage hanging around just to hang around. In other words, in my mind I could settle for just being a conqueror and no more. That sounds bad doesn't it?

But I realize this also: the thing about enduring hardship is that God gets more glory for it. With a constant hinderance at your heels, people get more opportunities to see the power of God at work. But often when we overcome things, He only gets a little recognition.

For the glory of God, I understand that we Christians are called to be more than conquerors. Still, it's daunting, and makes me a little sad. I get into a lot of situations with the mindset that eventually I'll beat it; sometimes in life we face things that we won't beat until we reach the other side. But as Christ once said, "this sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby". So at least I know it's not in vain. I don't like it, but for His sake, I understand.

For now, I got some things I just need to conquer if You don't mind Lord. But, whatever's in Your will for me, let it be done.

Jigabod's Fantasies - Rated G

lol... I know this is rated G, but I gotta say this. You know how people ask about "fantasy-fantasies"? You know the ones I'm talkin bout... (shall we change this to PG-13?) Well, I've been asked about mine several times. But the truth is... I mean really, I don't have fantasies like that. Remember that post I wrote about love and lust a while back? It's really how I feel. So whereas most people fantasize about... you know... I fantasize about just spending time with a woman; long walks, flirting, talking, saying good night, things like that. That really floats me.

Okay, now to the real topic. Ever since I was a kid, I've had an active imagination, and I just wanna share some of the fantasies that used to hold my mind. Let's see... there's:

The Snow Fantasy
I don't know what it was about snow, but I used to think about it all the time. But not walking in the snow... sleeping in it. For some reason, even though I knew snow was cold, it wouldn't register in my mind, and snow just struck me as the most comfortable place to rest on earth. And I used to think about hibernating in snow and being uncovered by a passerby or in the new season, lol. It doesn't make sense to me now, but I still love snow. Just wish it wasn't so cold so I could fall out in it, lol.

The Space Fantasy
This was a huge one. I used to think about this ALL the time. I would imagine my friends and I in a HUGE spaceship. I don't think we ever had a destination; just all of us being on this ship together was dope. We had food and everything we needed (somehow, I never actually thought of where it was coming from, lol). Every now and then, we'd come across the routine evil aliens, and that's when some of us would jump in our X-Wingish fighter ships and handle bizness. Sometimes we'd clean house, sometimes we'd get put down and hafta make an emergency landing on a strange planet. Cue the beautiful alien princess...

Sometimes I'd be the wise-cracking Han Solo character; sometimes I'd be the distinguished Commander Riker type character; sometimes I'd be the alien on board, lol. But as I think back, the fantasy never really had a beginning or ending; it just was. The ship was there, we were in space, and we went forward. Ignorance is bliss, lol.

The Detective Fantasy
This is something from a sliiightly older Jigabod, lol. I don't know where I got my fascination with this, but I loved the idea of detectives. The classic scene where the cool private eye is chillin in his office, feet propped on a desk. "And then, she walks into my life..." Some girl in a trenchcoat eases in the door. She needs my help because she had nobody else to turn to. Sometimes she's that mousy, cute girl. Other times, she acts like she can't stand my guts, lol. (oh did I mention this always happens in black-and-white) Somehow I always end up down at the docks, and it's foggy outside. What happens from there is always unpredicatable (cuz I don't even know how I get down there; there's just always something bad at "the docks" lol). Sometimes there's goons down there, waiting to jump me. Sometimes I win; sometimes I end up getting KO'd and wake up beneath the pier. Sometimes I just get information and follow a bunch of leads to a villain; sometimes the girl I meet in the beginning is the villain. I love it just thinking about it! Maybe I'll write a new story, lol.

The Superhero Fantasy
Aw man, sometimes I would combine this one with the space fantasy. But most of the time, it would be like on Thundercats; there's a headquarters on some planet, sometimes earth, sometimes... who knows, lol. And we all live there like a family. Sometimes it would be superheroes and my homies, it just depended on how I felt. It was so dope: I'd either have my own powers, or I'd be learning from some of my favorite superheroes. Having philosophical discussions with my fav X-Man Colossus, lol...

But then, headquarters would come under attack! It would be the combined forces of all my fav superheroes' nemesises. Some would leave to defend the base; others stayed behind to man the defenses. I used to like being outnumbered by the enemy, but as I think back, the battle would change hands so many times it was really funny, lol. There was always a "secret weapon" or "escape route". And nobody actually died, only sustained injuries or got knocked the heck out, lol.



...Dag, I feel younger already just thinking about it all. I can't figure out where those fantasies went though; somewhere between middle school and high school they left me, and I miss them dearly. I'm a grown man, but I feel like I need to dream a little more to remember some things about myself. But in a way, I see elements of those fantasies in my personality now.

So what does Jigabod fantasize about now? Hm...

Romance
I think about the things I said earlier: intimate talks, wine-and-dine dates (just a term, I don't drink), long drives, kisses, laughing, eye contact. One particular fantasy is me and my date/wife in a 2006 Lincoln, decked out, headed to a gala-type event. Just a real cool occasion, where they play old school music and we shuffle all night.

Asian Countrysides
I think about living in a building with thin walls, beautiful landscapes, a quiet lifestyle, drinking tea, practicing martial arts kata in a natural setting. It would be dope to have an old sensai to trade ideas with too (I think I wrote about this one before)

Canada
I think about living in a place where racism isn't as bad, guns aren't as frequent, the government cares about its people more than its economy, pitbulls are outlawed, and music is pure. And speaking of Canadian music, meeting Esthero would be a CHOICE experience, lol (so of course the homie Swim would hafta be with me, cuz he'd kill me if I met Esthero without him, lol).

Activism
Rallying people together toward making a better community and world as a career. That would be so dope.

Music
Being in a studio with talented people and creating sounds never heard before. Maybe collaborating with the entire Dungeon Family... no, JOINING the Dungeon Family! That would be beyond belief...

Making It
I just want to be happy. To have financial security where I don't hafta depend on anyone.
To have a wife that's the woman of my dreams. To have an occupation that I'm glad to do, feel like I was meant to do.



When I look at my new fantasies versus my old, it kinda makes me sad. Did I really grow up, or did I just give up? After all, even as a kid I didn't SERIOUSLY think my fantasies were real. So what's wrong with having an active imagination as an adult if it's under control? But my new fantasies aren't so bad, and some are actually doable. That's always a plus. Perhaps a balance of the two might be beneficial. I haven't had a good dream in a minute; gotta break out of being so serious all the time. "Spaceship, beam me up..."

B-J

Addendum: Just for the Record...

I. When I say I'm not in love, that does not at all mean I forfeit the right to fall in love. My actions post-statement in no way reflect that which was stated.

II. I should also say that my writing this post does not mean that I am falling or have fallen in love. Implications are no substitute for evidence and fact.

III. Should I fall, or should I have fallen in love, how would/should that matter to anyone else? It should not; I have not subjected myself to any other human's standard


...My cousin Mike once told me when I was little that I could be a lawyer cuz I was so doggone serious. Well Mike... is that lawyer enough for ya? I 'clare it's becoming a way of life homeboi, lol. We miss ya down here...

Jesus PeaceB-J

I'm Not in Love...

...because love is reciprocal. But it's not infatuation, because I don't expect anything in return.

The best way I can explain it is... I'm in pain. It hurts me to see her feel her way through the darkness when there's so much light available. Can you understand that? We talk and we talk, and she comes closer and closer. Then I try to reveal her to herself, and she retreats. And all I can do is let go and wait for another chance. And I wish, I could just hold her, ya know? I know what you're thinking, but you're missing the point, you're not feeling me; I wanna hold her so she can't run away from the truth. Like how you hold children when they get vaccines. Vaccines hurt ya know? So you hold em tight til it's over, and they realize it's just a prick and that they'll be okay. I wish I could be there to hold her...

I know, there's a lot of other people out there I can help, and I do help them in different ways. But truth be told, I'm partial to women; you should know that by now. I'm partial because, as a man, I realize the role that men play is so much a part of why women are where they are; I've seen the damage being done firsthand. No, it's not my fault specifically. But who undoes the damage another man leaves behind? When I say that, I feel like I'm being invasive, but why? Why is it invasive to want to heal the hurting?

It's not like working with my students, where you have parents to play the crucial roles; and if parents aren't playing those roles, they can still be held accountable. But these young women I meet... all they have is their experiences to go by. And when you truly see it from their perspectives, their reactions (I say reactions because it's cause and effect), though not always "right" or "smart", are logical. Not logical in the "best overall decision" sense, but logical in the "I'm a created being who is by nature emotional and is outside of her element" sense.

Yeah, I must sound arrogant to claim I "understand" women like that huh...

Anyway, I'm sorry; I'm not the type to just "let it be". See, a long time ago somebody told me, "God doesn't let us see the problems of others for us to just ignore them." I don't know how biblical that is, but I wonder why it is that I see things... Why it is that I see the cause moreso than the reaction... Why it is that I can read minds... Why it is I can see external displays and understand internal turmoil... For my own entertainment? Doubt it. To ignore? Hm, that would be ironic. To torture me? Possibly. To do something about it? I like to think so.

Heh... Usually my words are my medium. But there's this case... Dag, all I can think about is how bad I just want to hold this one. Just to show her that there is such a thing as sincereity; to walk her through her own fears; show her there's no shame in recognizing our weaknesses; to invite her to change; to introduce her to something realer than almost anything she's ever felt.

It sounds like love doesn't it. But I'm not in love...

People, People, People...

I think I've come to a conclusion, and it sux. Wanna hear it?

It's actually pretty obvious, but I thought I'd write about it because... well... I guess it's more trying to convince myself. Or somethin like that. Here it is:

A solitary lifestyle is deprivation. (yuck)

Well, I guess I better get to it... First off, I LOVE solitude. LOVE IT. And with good reason I think. Wanna hear em? Here they go:

1. When you're alone, you don't hafta consider anybody else.
2. When you're alone, you can't blame anybody else.
3. When you're alone, you don't have anybody to distract you.
4. When you're alone, you don't hafta explain yourself to anybody.
5. When you're alone, everything you do is totally your decision.
6. When you're alone, you get to know yourself pretty well.
7. When you're alone, there's no waiting.
8. When you're alone, there's no rushing.
9. When you're alone, there's no ridicule or mockery.
10. When you're alone, there's no unnecessary protocol and pomp.

That's just 10 off the top of my head. I'm the type of cat that could go live off in the mountains as a hermit and never hafta see anybody again; just gimme my spot, my food source, my Bible, somethin to write with and paper, and a dope song to sing.

So what has brought me to the point of denouncing my beloved solitude? I'm not sure where it came from, but I had a revelation today. It'z one of those things that sux because it's like unavoidable; a bulletproof argument. Here it is:

(total) Solitude is bad because God uses others to uplift us. At the same time, He uses us to uplift others. So by totally isolating ourselves, we stunt our own growth as well as the growth of others.

No...I'm not arrogantly suggesting that somehow I'm some "inspirational" person that people shouldn't be deprived of (<-----see, that's where solitude begins to look so appetizing, because I wouldn't even hafta explain that). All I'm saying is if every man were an island, we would all be people of smaller stature as a whole. You can't say that at some point someone in your life didn't help you to grow further along than you would've grown by yourself. It's like not having a spotter: sure, you MIGHT be able to bench that much weight, but if you're wrong it'z a wrap and ur gonna getcha chest caved in (I had to use violent imagery cuz I still don't like the idea).


I don't know if I don't like this blog because I'm barely awake when I'm writing it, or because I just don't like the truth of it. Either way... wow I'm sleepy.

Jesus Peace

My First Shot Was a Skyhook

I had totally forgotten... I was talking to a friend about basketball the other day, and we started talking about playing as kids. And the cat told me he could picture me like one of the players in the 70's, with my afro and all. And then it hit me: when I was little, I used to shoot with a skyhook!

I remember it was hard to shoot threes when we were that young, but with a skyhook I could catapult the ball where I needed it to go. And you know what? I used to sink em a fair percentage of the time! How about that...

Not only that, but the skyhook was convenient because I wasn't a natural ball-handler; come to think of it my position was more like a center. In recent years, I've been more of a shooting guard; 'prolly shoulda stuck with centering (if I even knew what a "center" was back then, lol).

Ya know though, I like the imagery of it. The skyhook is so traditional and old school. And with me having my fro back, shoot, I kinda feel like taking another stab at it. I can still feel that curl in my right hand; I think I can still make itB-J