About Me and Sex

I wrote this piece today for a special publication. Big shout out to Shannon and the V-Card initiative up in Canada; I support what you're doing 100%. When I grow up, I wanna be just-like-you, lol...

I have never had sex. I haven’t even kissed or been kissed by anyone before, and I’m 23 year old. I haven’t been on a serious date or anything, only a few impromptu dinners. The thing is, I’m not “down” on any of the aforementioned acts, especially the kissing and dating. Sex, however… well, let me tell you a few things about me and sex.

I was taught right from wrong at an early age but, as it is with many lower-to-middle middle-class upbringings, my parents never talked to me about sex. To this day, and I’m 23 years old, sex has never been mentioned in front of me by anyone in my immediate family or extended family. However, as I’m sure you’ve assumed, somehow or other I managed to learn about sex anyway.

For me, it happened way too early: 5th grade, if I’m not mistaken. Some “friends” of mine were goofing off, and they flashed me a scene from a porn magazine just to see my reaction. To this day, I wish that had never happened; that moment marked the beginning of my curiosity toward the opposite sex, and my eventual coming-into-knowledge of sex itself. From there I went to dictionaries, reading about different sex-related terms. Let’s face it: if you can read at all, the dictionary can tell you anything you need to know. By the time I finished that, I had a pretty good understanding of what sex was as well as a familiarity with the lingo.

Then came middle school, when sex became a part of everyday conversation. There were a few incidents between students that I can remember; my most distinct memory was around 7th or 8th grade when it seemed that the whole cheerleading squad became pregnant at once. Then there was the incident where I girl put herself against a pipe in a classroom and did the unthinkable… Nevertheless, the good thing about middle school was that, as all these things were happening, we were also being taught about things like STDs, AIDs, and… well… unwanted pregnancies. Knowing the many possible consequences that came with sex was enough to keep me from seeking to have sex with anybody.

High school saw a sharp decline in the sexual tension (believe it or not). Basketball and music became my two preoccupations. But I still had a few key sex-related experiences that remain with me to this day. The neighborhood I lived in was very close-knit; all my friends were within walking distance and we had pretty much all grown up together. Except for one. It took me a while, but I found out that a beautiful girl lived just a few houses down from me. I had known the girl a while, but I didn’t know we were so close.

Anyway, I was stomping the grounds with a male friend of mine one afternoon, and the subject of sex came up. He jokingly asked if I had “gotten any” before, anticipating the answer he would get from the “brainiac” of the school. I replied, “Nah, that’s not me man.” But then he said the wildest thing; I’ll never forget it. He said, “Why not man? I know you don’t have a girlfriend or anything, but _______ lives right up the street; holla at her. Anybody can get it from her.”

Don’t get me wrong; it was no secret that this girl slept with people. But for a cat to just put her in my face like that, like she was some kind of product…that really cemented my perspective on sexuality. It hurt in a weird way; regardless of how she was living, she was a person and worth more than that kind of mention. The next thing I remember, I had befriended the girl. And no, we never had sex: I never asked for it; she never offered it.

Then came the inevitable; the young lady became pregnant. I remember I didn’t know what to do as her friend; I knew about it, but she didn’t know that I knew. One time we were walking down the street together, and I just asked, “They say you’ve got a little one on the way. Is it true?” She denied it. I didn’t take that personally at all, though; pregnancy is just one of those things. And I could tell it really mattered to her what I thought of her, so it was nothing. But I kept thinking to myself, “It’s hard to believe this type of drama happens every day; sex is just not worth it.” A few weeks later, when her pregnancy was finally visible, she actually asked me to be the child’s godfather. I was nowhere near prepared for that, but I settled for being his (it was a boy) “Uncle”.

Oh yeah, one more thing: the guy that impregnated her. If I remember correctly, they didn’t stay together; just like pretty much anybody that ever slept with her. Hold on to that…

So, life went on. For biological reasons, I had more or less sexual drive at different points, but my perspective on sex never changed. Then came college… and freedom. This was where I really had my first “tests”; plenty of opportunities to try things I never tried and no one to make me do or not do anything.

There was a young lady my first year that I had it BAD for. I mean, she wasn’t the prettiest girl I had ever seen, but she was just bad enough to keep my interest: exotic, thick below the waist, petite, listened to the same music, liked my favorite groups, similar beliefs, even interested in a career in music. Honestly, she was the first girl I ever saw myself marrying and doing all the things that married people do with.

There was one time when we were having a study session; I was helping her with a paper because writing comes easily for me. Her roommates were there for a while but they were on their way to the club. We got started a little before they left, and after a few small-talk exchanges, they were gone. But I do remember one of the girls telling me before she left: “You should be careful; she’s nothing but trouble.” I thought she was joking… sort of.

The roommates had left and we were left to ourselves to work. I remember the first thing she did was change into her nightwear: some thigh-high boxers and a long t-shirt (my favorite combination, unfortunately). Now, you might say I make too much of things, but I took that as my first warning sign and immediately went on-guard. You see, I’ve never had sex, but I know what happens when people get turned on: the first thing is their blood leaves their brains to redistribute to “other places”. That’s why, once people get turned on, it’s often too late to rethink things.

She was at her computer; I was a good distance off seated in a chair. I remember her saying, “Why don’t you come closer; I won’t bite.” Well, then I went to thinking again. You see, her computer was atop a desk right at the foot of her bed; on her bed is where she wanted me to sit basically. So I replied, “Nah, that’s alright; I’m fine right here.” It sounds easy enough, but don’t be fooled… I REALLY wanted to sit on that bed.

We worked a little longer, but I knew I was pushing my luck; just because I choose to abstain doesn’t mean I always do so willingly. So when I felt her paper was setup enough for her to finish the job, I took license and made an exit. It was dark as heck and bitter-frikkin’ cold outside so she invited me to stay over, but I decided I needed to take that walk… quickly. To this day, I still don’t believe it was my doing when I left that night.

For the rest of the year, I found myself at basement parties with women coming out of their pants; when it got hot and heavy, I left those. And there was pornography readily found and frequently seen in dorms; I walked away from that too. I understood that a big part of avoiding sexual encounters is knowing your limits and averting ahead of time those things that might trigger you. So that’s what I spent a lot of time doing.

My last physical encounter was with a friend of mine; an exquisitely beautiful girl I went to high school with that I had been DYING to see again. We finally ran into each other when I transferred colleges, and like a dream I found her riding in my passenger seat for a whole semester. However, I had my doubts about her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all a stickler about whether or not a person is a virgin; everybody’s made mistakes in some dimension of life and it’s not always easy to the right thing. BUT… I do expect a person to at least KNOW if she’s a virgin or not (pretty funny, huh). In one conversation she told me she wasn’t a virgin; in another she told me she was. She went back and forth several times. So since I couldn’t take her word for it, I just assumed she wasn’t one. No big deal (except for the lying part).

And I really was going to leave it at that, but then came “the guys”.

Now, normally I wouldn’t listen to what “the guys” say; that’s like one of the most guaranteed ways to screw your life up, period. However, that’s only in the event that the girl knows if she’s a virgin or not: they all unanimously said she wasn’t. They thought she and I were actually dating and called themselves “looking out” for me. They told me about how she and her best friend “came to the party dressed like hookers and locked up in a room with some guys for quite some time” and all that; that wasn’t hard to believe, because she did have a tendency to dress wildly. Still, it was just words. Then, some of the guys came at me like I was a priest or something and confessed to doing this and that with her years ago. Me, I made no bones about it; again, words are words, past is past, and passed is passed.

But then there was that one time… We were riding in my car, and out of the blue, this “virgin” asks me, “what’s your wildest sex fantasy?” Hm… Yeah, I almost crashed the car right then. In the grand scheme of things, her asking me something like that is a dot, nothing to raise much of an eyebrow about. But, remember what I said earlier about avoiding sexually tense situations? Well, two things ran across my mind: 1) this is not something somebody asks who is trying to protect her “virginity”; 2) This is not something I should be entertaining if I am to protect MY virginity. To this day, she and I are still friends, but much more distantly.

I find myself constantly defending my position on sexuality. Aside from religious beliefs, there are so many plain and practical reasons not to have sex, at least before marriage. I keep hearing the same arguments over and over…

I hear things like, “sex is fun” and “it’s my body”. Yeah, sex is fun; it’s the unwanted pregnancies and STDs and dysfunctional, sex-maintained relationships that aren’t. The consequences far outweigh the rewards. And yes, it is your body, no matter how used it is. But, for example, when I think about some of the girls I know and where their mouths have been… wow. I mean, you cats can kiss around all you want to; I gotta think about that for a good minute. I’ve never been kissed before, but maybe I’m not missing much after all.

Then a lot of people say sex is a sign of “commitment” in a relationship. Nice sentiment, but I think of the example of my old friend from the neighborhood; not a single man that she slept with stayed with her, even the one whose seed she birthed. And it’s funny that I knew so many girls who slept around, and they all were so unfulfilled. They would come to me and talk with me and get the biggest kick out of the simple fact that I would listen to them. From that, I grew to understand that sex could never stand in the gap for true love and a true relationship.

On that note, I have one more college experience to share. It’s about the most meaningful relationship I had. You see, while I was “sprung” on the “exotic” girl I told you about, I also had a special friend that I was spending all my time with. I won’t go into detail about the whole situation, but all I can say is I enjoyed every moment I spent with her and we would do anything for each other. I couldn’t rest until I knew she was squared away. Any time of day or night that she called me in need of anything, I was glad to be of assistance. I didn’t have a heck of a lot of money, but I was willing to short myself to make sure she was taken care of. And she helped me through a lot of my personal problems as well. We spent a good bit of our time trying to stop each other from helping each other.

All that time: all the late nights talking, going for walks, laughing, crying, hanging with friends, calling each other… it never dawned on me that she was the one I was really in love with. And through it all, sex never came into question; that’s how I know that sex is overrated and that true, lasting relationships aren’t build on fleeting moments of pleasure. If anything, sex and lust just blinded me to where I really needed to be, and now I have a burden I might never be able to shake off: knowing that I missed out on someone special. Through having a true friendship, I learned what true love is. And I’ve got news for you: in the grand scheme of love, sex is just a dot; sex gets its value from true love, not the opposite.

So, let’s recap: I’ve never kissed; I’ve never dated; I’ve never had sex. How does it feel? It’s cool… real cool. Would I like to do these things? Heck yes, someday. But I was thinking the other day: I’ve been single for over a decade now; I feel that I could die right now never having a first kiss, never dating, never having sex, and be at peace with that. And I think it’s because I’ve experienced true love, even though I didn’t recognize it at the time. And kissing, dating, and having sex really couldn’t offer me anything that I haven’t already obtained except maybe a buzz, some butterflies, irreversible conditions, a few strange sores, and thinner pockets. On the flipside, I have more to anticipate because I chose to wait: a gift for my wife that no one else has ever had with no worries about diseases or anything like that. ‘Should make for a less inhibited, more enjoyable time.

B-J


Again, many thanx to Shannon and V-Card for giving me the opportunity to help. We gotta do this again sometime; I think I'm the most long-winded brotha on earth! lol