The Follow-Through

Thinking back to all the blogs I've written since the Romancexpress left the station, I can't think of a single one that hurt me to write. But I think this is gonna be the one; 'matter of fact I'm sure. So, here it goes...

Today is Friday, August the 4th, 2006. At this very moment, there's a festival going on downtown in my city; First Friday is what they call it. For 2-3 weeks, I had been planning to go down there and circulate some of my music. My little sister is home from college; I planned to take her down there to get out of the house. My associates and I were supposed to meet up down there and do some footwork to get word out about us and what we're doing.

Weeks passed. I started working on music to present, but never quite finished it. I didn't call everybody like I was supposed to. Those I did contact, I didn't stay on top of. But... I still intended to go forward with the process. I did have a little bit of music on me; even that would have been something.

My head was killing me all afternoon. Then, we got a bit of a storm this evening, right around the time I should've been preparing to leave. But it was a quick storm; didn't last very very long. I had no proof it was headed in the direction of the festival or anything. But, I let that stop me...

No, that's just an excuse. The truth is, I stopped myself. It's not an attractive or flattering concept, but there's no other way to put it. I have a one fatal character flaw; I never finish what I start. Well not exactly never, but proportionally I start a lot more than I finish. I have hundreds of songs and verses strewn all over my room; only a few of them are actually complete. And it's not that I can't finish them, it's just... I keep telling myself "just keep working, just keep working". And to this day, I'm still "working" and not accomplishing. To admit this leaves the most bitter taste in my mouth.

But I wasn't always like this, I really wasn't. I used to be Mr. Perfect in everything I did; I always finished everything I started, and I always did it best. But, they were things that mattered nothing to me, and one day I realized that. From that point, it was so hard to be "perfect" in light of being perfunctory. But no...

I'm even inconsistent in the things I care about. To accompany my hundreds of incomplete lyrics, I have a surplus of incomplete beats. A so many times I could have beat out making a way for myself, like tonight, I passed it up and used whatever was in my environment at the time as an excuse. Headaches? So what; one headache isn't gonna kill me. Thunderstorm? You're not a lightningrod, and the storm wasn't that bad; you could've driven down there and waited it out.

Don't get me wrong though; I'm inconsistent, I admit. But my greatest inconsistency is in things pertaining to myself and my own well-being; when others factor into the equation, I'm SO dependable. I could never leave another person hanging if it's within my power to help them. But what about me? Do I hate myself or something? Am I missing self-worth? If so, then I've gotta take some time and sort through that.

This really saddens me. I don't wanna be this way; I want to see my dreams and goals accomplished. And I'm not even sure that the way I am is what I think it is. I feel as if I'm waiting for something, but in the meantime, I DO WORK. Every day I spend the entire day chipping away at this and chipping away at that; I never stop for anything but maybe a blog or a game or two. Even at night, I'm using my hands and using my mind to whittle away project after project. I've learned so many way so many ways of writing; I've taught myself how to use computer programs and how to manipulate webpages using code; I've learned to play an instrument at the novice level; I've networked with people I never even thought I'd get to look my way. But to just follow through and FINISH... I don't know why I can't...

You know, it's funny... I used to have a hard time playing pool right? I used to shoot, and I'd see where I wanted the ball to go and aim in that direction and strike the cue, but it would never do what I wanted it to. Then somebody put me up on the problem with my shot: my direction, my logic, my vision, it was all there. The problem was that when I took the shot, I only poked the ball, but I wasn't following through. Once I followed through, it took my game to a whole 'nother level. That's all I wanna do people, I promise you; I just wanna follow through. All those things I wrote from the beginning of Romancexpress until now, they mean nothing if I don't follow through.

I don't know how you feel about me after reading this; I don't like myself at all right now, and I understand if you see me as a pushover yourself. But, I'm not done yet; even though I often don't finish what I start, at the same time I never give up on ANYTHING. Anything that I ever started and didn't finish is still a project in progress, even if it was something from years ago; that's the one thing I can say for all my inconsistency. But I'm gonna beat this thing, and it's gonna start here with Romancexpress. Here it is:

After a year of being here with you, I've decided that I'm going to publish Romancexpress into a book. A year's worth of my experiences and my best blogs in a single volume to be bought off store shelves. I started the other day and already I've plowed through every blog from the beginning: 319 pages of material. I'm going to edit the blog, choose what will remain as part of the book, and get it published to be sold. That's my goal.

I want to make this happen as a victory for myself as well as for your enjoyment, those of you who read Romancexpress. So, pray for me that this time I will finish what I start, and that one day all my chipping and whittling will take form. The blogging will continue, but the end of this month will serve as the end of Romancexpress: Volume I.


"The race is not given to the swift, nor to the strong, but to him that is able to endure unto the end."