I'm Not in Love...

...because love is reciprocal. But it's not infatuation, because I don't expect anything in return.

The best way I can explain it is... I'm in pain. It hurts me to see her feel her way through the darkness when there's so much light available. Can you understand that? We talk and we talk, and she comes closer and closer. Then I try to reveal her to herself, and she retreats. And all I can do is let go and wait for another chance. And I wish, I could just hold her, ya know? I know what you're thinking, but you're missing the point, you're not feeling me; I wanna hold her so she can't run away from the truth. Like how you hold children when they get vaccines. Vaccines hurt ya know? So you hold em tight til it's over, and they realize it's just a prick and that they'll be okay. I wish I could be there to hold her...

I know, there's a lot of other people out there I can help, and I do help them in different ways. But truth be told, I'm partial to women; you should know that by now. I'm partial because, as a man, I realize the role that men play is so much a part of why women are where they are; I've seen the damage being done firsthand. No, it's not my fault specifically. But who undoes the damage another man leaves behind? When I say that, I feel like I'm being invasive, but why? Why is it invasive to want to heal the hurting?

It's not like working with my students, where you have parents to play the crucial roles; and if parents aren't playing those roles, they can still be held accountable. But these young women I meet... all they have is their experiences to go by. And when you truly see it from their perspectives, their reactions (I say reactions because it's cause and effect), though not always "right" or "smart", are logical. Not logical in the "best overall decision" sense, but logical in the "I'm a created being who is by nature emotional and is outside of her element" sense.

Yeah, I must sound arrogant to claim I "understand" women like that huh...

Anyway, I'm sorry; I'm not the type to just "let it be". See, a long time ago somebody told me, "God doesn't let us see the problems of others for us to just ignore them." I don't know how biblical that is, but I wonder why it is that I see things... Why it is that I see the cause moreso than the reaction... Why it is that I can read minds... Why it is I can see external displays and understand internal turmoil... For my own entertainment? Doubt it. To ignore? Hm, that would be ironic. To torture me? Possibly. To do something about it? I like to think so.

Heh... Usually my words are my medium. But there's this case... Dag, all I can think about is how bad I just want to hold this one. Just to show her that there is such a thing as sincereity; to walk her through her own fears; show her there's no shame in recognizing our weaknesses; to invite her to change; to introduce her to something realer than almost anything she's ever felt.

It sounds like love doesn't it. But I'm not in love...