One for the Gamers: Tekken Takes the Crown

It's been a long time since I've had a good debate to resolve, but I finally got to solve one recently. In the gaming world for a while, there was a debate as to which 3D fighter was better: Tekken 5 or Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution. Well, I finally got to play both games the other day, and I must admit I've wrestled with the resolution for some time now. But as I was driving today I was finally able to solve the debate. Here is my reasoning (and yes, I'm making a big deal about video games; and you're still gonna sit here and read this, isn't it amazing? lol)

In order to resolve the debate, I realized that I would hafta introduce a third game to create a "full spectrum", as between the two games one important element is not prevalent enough to make the overall case for either. The missing game is Dead or Alive 4, and the missing element is graphics. SO, now the debate becomes which is the best game out of Tekken 5, Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution, and Dead or Alive 4.

It's really very simple to break this down. I'm going to word-associate each game to give a clear picture: Virtua Fighter=combat; Dead or Alive=graphics; Tekken=balance. If you were to ask me which game has the best fighting of the three, I would answer with Virtua Fighter. Virtua Fighter has over-the-top, yet realistic martial arts action. The moves are, though difficult to pull off and a lot to remember, very smooth, very effective, and very entertaining to watch with fairly realistic lag time. One thing I particularly like about Virtua Fighter is that the moves don't instantly knock the characters down or create many juggling opportunities, making it very close to realtime fighting.

Tekken's fighting system is a lot less exciting, though it's solid with very logical control, and when two fighters who truly know the game mix it up, it's VERY entertaining. The timing is also excellent; Tekken's fighting system majors in all the minors, but doesn't quite major in all the majors like Virtua fighter. The most unrealistic element of Tekken's fighting is the juggle-ability of characters.

Dead or Alive's fighting system makes for beautiful animation, but THAT'S IT. The lag time is unrealistic; the strikes land as if the characters are made of paper. And many of the moves are unrealistically powerful. Why? To make it easier to knock characters off of balconies and through windows. It's strictly a thrill ride, fabricated to be eye-candy. And on that note...

Dead or Alive has the most awesomest (<---made that up) graphics of all three easily. I'm not a fan of the game, but I play it just to see the endings and the collapseable stages. Not to mention the female eye-candy and all. And even though the moves look fake, they're entertaining to watch.

Tekken has smooth graphics, but they're not nearly as over-the-top as Dead or Alive. However, if you pay attention the graphics are stunningly detailed, instead of the bright colors and clear, blunt objects that give Dead or Alive an almost cartoony feel. The stages are drab, but very detailed and well rendered; the characters look great, but not very catchy.

Virtua Fighter is a disappointment graphically. Though it has its good points, the artists did a bad job at rendering the characters; the faces on some look almost tacked onto the heads. The stages look like they were made for the earlier Sega Saturn. Yet, the lack of graphics is almost admirable for a Sega fan who misses the original Virtua Fighter games.

So you notice, in beauty and fighting, VF and DOA each sit at extremities, being great in one area and poor in the other. But Tekken sits at just above average in both areas. Kinda reminds me of a particular Street Fighter of whom I'm very fond...

So this is my judgment on the great debate. The nominees are: Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution, Tekken 5, and Dead or Alive 4.

Best Combat in a 3-D Fighting Game - Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution
If you're looking for a fight, this game can keep you up all night. And it'll take you quite some time to master allll those moves.

Best Graphics in a 3-D Fighting Game - Dead or Alive 4
If it's eye candy you want, you'll suffer a weak, exaggerated fighting system just to see the stages collapse and the movies you can unlock as you beat the game. Not to mention... the women.

Best 3-D Fighting Game Overall - Tekken 5
The name of the game is balance. Tekken does not have the best combat, but it does have above average combat and great control. It doesn't have the most catchy graphics, but it has smooth, detailed renders and solid animation. It will not overwhelm you either way, but it will more than satisfy you in both beauty and fighting. Thus, Tekken is the best 3-D fighter because it is the most complete 3-D fighter.

Sometimes it pays to be reasonable instead of over the top. Balance wins the day.

Jesus PeaceB-J

A Warm Welcome to Geo-Chrome

I was about to write about something fun, but I had to get this off my chest first. It won't take me long at all, folks; I'ma slang it atcha like dis... ACtually no, I got a better idea. I'm bout to lay down a few rules:

1. If she ain't yo wife, DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY.

2. If she ain't even yo GIRLFRIEND, ESPECIALLY DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY. A good friend does NOT make one a mate. Be serious: that would mean that EVERY GIRL YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH IS UNAVAILABLE. What are you, practicing for polygamy? It don't roll like that playas...

3. If she IS your wife, DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY. I mean JEEZ, if the relationship is deep enough for you to get married, it should at LEAST be deep enough for you to have some trust in her, MY GOODNESS...

4. If she IS your girlfriend, DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY. You're not official until a ring is on her finger, and she has the right to explore if she feels she might be in the wrong relationship. DEAL WITH IT; if your love is the truth, she'll stick with you. But HALF of ya'll don't even know what love is, so UNCUFF PLZ.

5. GENERALLY SPEAKING, DO NOT ACT LIKE A WOMAN IS YOUR PROPERTY. WIFE, GIRLFRIEND, FRIEND, ASSOCIATE---IF SHE BELONGS WITH YOU, SHE'LL BE THERE OF HER OWN VOLITION. 'The hegg is up with all these insecure cats?...

...I had to write this because right now there is a cat on his way to my dimension, Geo-Chrome (do some OutKast research, you'll decipher it). I've seen the cat strongarm a particular ladyfriend of mine, being verbally aggressive at her and firing shots at her about me. The thing is, this cat isn't even WITH her! Now, I could avoid a situation and all, and hopefully I will. But doggone-it if right ain't right and wrong ain't wrong---DUDE, YOU DO NOT OWN HER! I wasn't even trying to get at her like that! But YOU and your INSECURITY and MISGUIDED VIEWS led you to talk all that NONSENSE, and the young lady just stood by and allowed it. I don't like dat hombre...

I don't know how you feel about me, and I really don't care frankly; I'm honored that you feel so threatened over someone you're not even WITH. But lemme give you some advice---and I know I've said this before---SLAVERY BEEN DONE. YOU DON'T OWN ANYBODY. EVEN IF YOU WERE WITH HER, YOU DON'T OWN ANYBODY. AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH WHOMEVER YOU END UP WITH IS GONNA BE HELLA SCREWED-UP IF YOU GO IN WITH THAT SCREWED-UP MENTALITY. IF YOU DON'T TAKE ANYTHING I'VE SAID TO YOU SERIOUSLY, TAKE THAT!

And as far as where it goes from here, if you're a wise man, we can go back to that "pretend you like me" deal we had before, only this time you don't hafta pretend. Or we can be rivals over someone that 1) doesn't belong to you and 2) I'm not even trying to get with beyond a good friendship! The choice iz yours, show me how big a fool you are. Welcome to Geo-Chrome!

PeaceB-/

Love in 5 Dimensions: The Cross Examination

As earlier stated, this blog is the cross-examination of the 5 love songs selected by Doc on B.L.O.G. His five choices are: Roberta Flack - "Feel Like Making Love"; Luther Vandross/Cheryl Lynn - "If This World Were Mine"; Kem - "I Can't Stop Loving You"; Raheem DeVaughn - "You"; Jeffrey Osbourne - "Love Ballad".

Roberta Flack - "Feel Like Making Love"
To be honest, I didn't hafta hear this song to know it was dope. The first time I actually heard this song was actually as a sample. I listen to some house music, and I copped this album from the UK by this cat Junior Jack. He had several dope songs on the album, but the one that made me say "I'm gonna buy this" is a song called "Luv 2 U", where a voice chimes what sounds like, "next time... I feel like making love... to you..." And a guitar bends out a sweet melody with a simple, charming bassline riding beneath it. It was the kinda song you could take a long drive to with the one you love resting her head on your shoulder. One day I played the song for my homeboy Swim and Swim said "Dag, he used that Roberta Flack sample!" "Robert Flack?" I answered. And, as it often goes with old school music that's sampled, I've liked the original song ever since.

Luther Vandross/Cheryl Lynn - "If This World Were Mine"
I like this song because of the honesty, despite the lofty theme. So often in love we hear the, "I'll taked you around the world/I'll buy you X, Y, and Z/We'll live in a A,B, etc.". This song is a great song because of one word: if. It's a song where lovers talk about what they want for their love interest, but also realize they're only human and we can't have all that we want. Still, it's beautiful and romantic to tell your companion what you would do for him/her if you had the power, just to let them know that you could never express your deepest, truest feelings for that person in such a lowly form as the ordinary man/woman.

Kem - "I Can't Stop Loving You"
I heard this song once and I didn't really notice it except it was kinda relaxing. Then I heard the song 8 times in one day on a trip to North Carolina, and by the time I got back home, I HAD TO HAVE IT. It was SO well executed by the singer, Kem. His vocal talents are to be admired. There's a particular part on the song where he ad libs, "no matter how hard I try", and I DECLARE HIS VOICE IMITATES A SAXOPHONE! It's so amazing. The song is about a relationship that almost fails except the main character can't let go of his love. I imagine it's either a very long-term relationship or a marriage, possibly a divorce because Kem says, "I think about the love we have for our children". That implies a lot of time invested into the relationship to have more than one child mentioned. And I like how it sounds as if the protagonist doesn't even understand his own attachment to his spouse. And I love how quietly he says "and I don't know why". Honestly, this is one of the few songs I play and put on repeat and could listen to for hours.

Raheem DeVaughn - "You"
This is a VERY talented cat. I knew it when in his first video he stepped out of a car with Ginuwine, walks into a room with his peeps and says "Ya'll need to get on this Kenny Gonzalez". I'm glad anotha brotha out there knows sum'n bout some Kenny Dope Gonzalez (shout to M.A.W.!) The first song I heard him on was "Guess Who Loves You More". At first I thought it was an old school song because I don't hear a lot of dudes sing in higher notes like that anymore. Then he really impressed me with his ad libbing toward the end of the song; it almost sounded like he was gonna create a new song within the song from the libs! lol. Then he really REALLY impressed me when he chimed down the scales singing "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never"; his range is CRAZY.

So now he has a new song out called "You"... The beat is LOVELY (a liiiittle heavy on the snare). The song itself is dope; vocally he didn't let me down at all, lyrically pretty tight. What I love most about this song is the video. That's the one thing I wish was different in the song: I wish he had incorporated the themes from his video into his song. In the video he shows women from all walks of life, and he associates uplifting words too them: inspired, fearless, brave, beautiful, etc. My favorite part is where he shows three girls in the street together with somewhat angry appearances on their faces; I'm gonna borrow a term I don't care much for and say that "hoodrats" comes to mind. But then, instead of something bad like "scorned" or something like that, the word "loyal" comes across the screen. I LOVE that part. The song is meant to be an anthem to women, but I feel that the real anthem is the video and my only grievance is that the song should've incorporated more of those themes.



Jeffrey Osbourne - "Love Ballad"
This song is just so great. The title is fitting, that's all I need to say really. I love how the instruments come in, especially the strings and the horns. To me, it reminds me of the ending theme to a wonderful story. And I love Jeffrey Osbourne's voice; it has the sound of strength and that strength permeates "Love Ballad" to resonate with the strength of love. But my favorite part, and I think Doc mentioned this too, is at the end when he continues to repeat "And what we have is much more than they could see... What we have is much more than they could see..." It's so stirring, not to be sacrilegious (but if it's true love, can there really BE sacrilege ...) but it kinda reminds me of when sometimes the spirit hits you in church. And it makes me think, "This is what God meant love to be; not in content because the song lyrically doesn't go extremely indepth into what love is. But the FEEL of it; it FEELS like love." Definitely will always be a classic.

So there's my cross-examination. I'm gonna... go play these 10 songs now, lol...

My World, Uncollided

This is my world. I sit upon a planet composed of my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings, my accomplishments, my disappointments. That's my gravity, what keeps me from drifting aimlessly. It's a small world, but more than sufficient. Only thing is, it's a little lonely.

So I sit here, opposite the sun so that I can see the stars and other worlds out there; I just watch, knowing I can't leave my world. And every now and then, another world wanders by me. Sometimes it's beautiful, and I stand to get a better look. And I see someone there, and she sees me too.

I extend my hand, partly to greet her with a wave, partly to reach to her. But the separation is too great; I can only brush her fingertips. The separation is always different: sometimes, it's values; sometimes it's background; sometimes it's race; sometimes it's class; sometimes it's religion; sometimes it's distance; sometimes it's baggage; sometimes it's... another world in her life.

Still, we tend to orbit each other. Maybe as friends; maybe as two worlds hoping our trajectories will eventually lead us to collide with each other. But it never fails: eventually we both sprawl back over our respective worlds and pass each other by, wondering what in the sun's plan prevents us from letting our worlds make contact. Still... the view is beautiful.

There It Is!!! **lock and load**

Big shout out to my lil homie JRid overseas. About an hour or so ago he and I were having a discussion about the deterioration of the family and I was telling him how important it was to keep Jesus at the forefront and to plan his family such that he can provide both material things and time. And somehow he ended up bringing up the Serenity Prayer...

That use to be my prayer! Suddenly mind flashed back to 1995. The first time I heard that prayer was on the Goodie Mob's "Soul Food" album. I remember after I heard it, my church at the time had designed the programs with the Serenity Prayer on the front (and St. Francis of Assisi written beneath the prayer); I took mine and tacked it to my wall right next to my bed. It remained there until I moved into our new house.

That prayer... "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." I remember feeling like that was where most people stopped; the complacency of the people around me used to eat at me like a slow-burning acid. But then came my favorite part: "Courage to change the things I can..." It felt good to hear the Goodie Mob talk about courage and change. I was determined to use my life to make things better around me, and every time I heard that part, I knew somewhere in GA there were four other brothas who intended to do the same and I wasn't alone. "Wisdom to know the difference..." The thing that brought it all together: the spirit of discernment. With that, I wouldn't hafta fear "going too far" or "holding on too tight" or "lost causes"; I trusted that God would find a way to lead me to and away from where I needed to be.

And now I remember: that's what used to be on my mind when I would approach the microphone. I went to the mic knowing this was a chance for me to change something. Sure, on the larger scale, I couldn't change a thing without God's say so. But the courage to make the attempt surely would yield something. And I spit believing, like a sledgehammer to a boulder determined to reduce it to rubble, no matter how many strikes it took.

"I'll be held accountable for the light I could have shed..." An excerpt from a verse spoken by Cee Lo Green on a song he was featured on. When I would rap, I thought about who I would be accountable for if I didn't give my maximum effort with every line of every verse. As of recent, I had become a bit more complacent, realizing that it's not up to me to determine the fate of another. But you know what?... That's how I want it to be, lol. Friends told me that I put too much on myself, but I think that's what I'm here for. The stress, the burden, the pressure... that's what made me spit that way.

I can see that program next to my bed so vividly in my mind; the page was burgandy, the writing was beige, there were folded hands behind the words. And just like that, I feel like that piece of me has returned. If I were into tattooes I'd get the Serenity Prayer tattooed on me, maybe over my heart, maybe across the top of my back. For now, I'll just be satisfied to leave it at the end of this blog the way I heard it on the "Soul Food" album:


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Ahhhh..."

Jesus PeaceB-J

The Heck Did I Put My Gun...

It's been a long journey through this life. I've gone through so many changes, many of which the people around me will never know. Doesn't change the fact though.

I was happy when I was ignorant. Then I got some sense; sense that I kept to myself because they said I was too young to "understand anything". Thing is, nothing changed as I got older, and I fell into depression from the disappointment. Then I came out of that depression, but I came out with my gun drawn.

Thought I was gonna be okay with that, and maybe I would have. But then I went off to college, an entire year to myself. And with help, I was able to get past anger back to a sense of content. Been there for a while now.

But you know, I listen to the music I did when I was younger and the music I do now. It's pretty much the same material, though much more advanced. Still... well, I'll put it as my homie Joe put it. I let him hear my old tracks, and he said, "'Joints are TOUGH man." I think they are too. And even though I'm a better MC now, I don't feel that same toughness.

So what's the missing ingredient? I call myself a master of rhyme now, I got the lyrical skill to appeal to anybody from any style of rap. I say I've got the breathing down pat, vocals come thru nice and clear. What's missing?

As I listened and reflected, the answer was simple: I'm not mad anymore. Yes, I still care about the things around me very much. Yes I still get perturbed when people talk about things they know good and well they aren't doing anything to fix anyway. Yes, I still feel like I hold solutions and healing words. But I don't scoul and seethe over it anymore; I don't run people off with cynical words; I don't burn at myself the same way when I mess up.

More and more I ask myself why. Why did this take so long... Why not when I was angry and driven... I didn't plan on being an old man trying to convince younger people that "I can relate"; I wanted to be right there with them so they could see for themselves. Bah...

I'm tempted to lose faith in my own cause (and please, don't anybody respond to this with the usual "be strong" and "I'm surprised to hear this from you" and such---I'm venting to get my own thoughts in order). In light of it all, I WANT to be angry, just to push forward a little longer. But Lord (cuz I know You're probably seeing this) I'm not looking for a "be careful what you wish for" situation where somebody close to me suffers something terrible and I get my anger back from it; just checking.

I can't get past it... Why have such good intentions and be so fervent only to burn out here? I saw this young activist up in Canada, and she's making moves and working toward change. That's all I ever wanted to do, and yet I'm winded. Maybe I'm in the process of an "against all odds" story, but I don't really care about beating the odds: I want results. I figure results are what people are most in need of, not inspirational stories.

smh... I'm sorry. That's just how I'm feeling at the moment. I put my gun, my anger down a long time ago hoping it was for the better. Now I feel weak. Even though I'm more mature, it's that immature passion and angst that I'm missing right now. So either I'm gonna find my old gun, or try a new one. And it better have a heck of a kickback.

PTI: BAD PARENTING MAKES MYSPACE DANGEROUS

Pardon the interruption peeps. We'll get back to Romancexpress after this important message from our sponsor:
I'm not gonna hold you long: the bottom line is BAD PARENTING MAKES MYSPACE DANGEROUS. So instead of trying to shut down MySpace, HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE THESE PARENTS TO COURT FOR CHILD NEGLECT!! Just like a gun in the home, MySpace can only be what it is allowed to be. If your child gets drugs by MySpace, that's terrible... WHERE'S THE PARENT?!?!?!?! If your child leaves your home and gets raped looking for someone they met on MySpace, that's terrible... WHERE'S THE PARENT?!?!?!?!?! What kinda parent is so clueless as to the whereabouts and ongoings of their child so that their child can get drugs without their knowing? Leave home and go to the mall without their knowing? Build weapons and take them to school without their knowing? It's time for this to STOP!

MySpace is as much a tool for responsible adults all over the world as it is a threat to unknowing children whose parents are slipminded enough to get internet service and leave their kids unsupervised with it! And GETTING RID OF MYSPACE WILL NOT FIX THE PROBLEM; it will only cover it up until a new problem arises. You wanna FIX THE PROBLEM? MAKE THE PARENTS GET ON THEIR JOBS!!! And don't make those who use MySpace responsibly suffer for the lack of responsibility of others!

And parents, if you love your children, then there is no excuse; IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF PARENTHOOD, DON'T HAVE KIDS!! PROPER PLANNING PREVENTS PISS-POOR PERFORMANCE!!!

This very moment I'm on a Net campaign to stop this from going one step further. If you're with me, tack your name on this and pass it to your network!

Matthew Williams

Love: The Fifth Dimension

lol... I don't like the title. We'll work on that...

In conjunction with Doc Makin and his blogsite BlackLoveOneGrowth, I present to you "Love: The Fifth Dimension". Here's the premise: Doc and I each decided to choose 5 love songs each that we prefer and write about what makes them special to us. And if I understand correctly, the next blogs we'll switch our lineups and give cross-examination to the songs. Should be fun, and you know I got a crush on somebody pretty much all the time so it's always timelyB-J.

So so... lol, First lemme say, I was a bit jealous at Doc's lineup, as he picked several of my favorite love songs of the moment. But then I thought, there's enough love songs out there to last from the honeymoon to the Heavens. So I dug in the crate and found quite a lineup of my own:

1) Anita Baker - Just Because
2) Luther Vandross - Here and Now
3) The Emotions - Don't Ask My Neighbors
4) New Edition - Can You Stand the Rain
5) Jagged Edge - What's It Like to Be In Love

I'm anxious to talk about these, so let's get to it.

Anita Baker - "Just Because"
This song has always been a favorite of mine, even before I really had or understood emotions and feelings such as love. Even as a boy running wild, there was just something about someone telling you they love you "just because". It's a love you don't hafta look for or worry about being there for you. It's a love that allows you do be yourself; a love that WANTS you to be yourself and APPRECIATES the simple fact that you are who you are. I know it's a love song about the relationship between a man and a woman, but I've felt that love from a mother, I've seen that love between good friends, and I've known that love from God Himself. Anita may not have meant all that, but that's what the song means to me in so many dimensions.

Luther Vandross - "Here and Now"
Aw man... Yo, on the real, I wanna get married to this song; I've planned on it for some years now. This is THE marriage song. "Here and now, I promise to love faithfully... Here and now, I vow to be one with thee." There isn't much to be said here really; the concept is so plain and pure, the vocalist so perfected in his craft... When I think of it, this is the song I want played when I decide to take a woman to be with me and love with me for the rest of my life. The beauty of the song is the beauty of a love like that. Simple and clean.

The Emotions - "Don't Ask My Neighbors"
Oh man, Doc and I talked about this one for a LONG time, lol. Yes, it's a beautiful song. But more importantly it's SO REAL. So often in relationships, when there's a problem we go to everybody but the person we need to talk to, being our significant other. We talk to friends, family, strangers, therapists... ANYBODY but that person. What are we afraid of? It's hard to say. But then in the song the Emotions sing, "Come to me; you'll find I love you! Come to me...", and alleviate those fears we have. It's an sweet song with an enchanting feeling that offers comfort that some of us men desperately seek in dealing with significant others.

New Edition - "Can You Stand the Rain"
lol, it's funny this song came to mind. I taught my Sunday School class today about love, lust and friendship, and part of the discussion was about what authenticates love. You see, and I've probably said this in a blog before, you never know how strong a love is until it's tested. This song speak directly to a love on trial. And I love how the song is done because it compares fairweather love to love in a storm. But in the midst of the torrents, Ricky cleverly ad libs "no pressure, no pressure", pointing to the honesty element; when love is tried, it is better for lovers to separate than to pressure each other into false commitment. As I taught my kids, the trial is such a crucial aspect of a true love, and this song so fittingly makes it apparent.

Jagged Edge - "What's It Like to Be in Love"
I'm gonna call this song my sleeper: the one nobody expected. I'm gonna tell you why I like this song... Jagged Edge iz a pretty decent group; not great, but consistent. But this one particular song is so significant because it is a commentary on the current state of love in the current generation. You see, if you look around, you'll find that most cats nowadays really don't know what true love is; they know what they think it is and what they've been told, but they really don't know. Most singers and groups pretend as if they have love figured out, but what they truly have is lust and they try to pass it off as love. This is the first time I heard a song from the current generation that was brutally honest about things. The chorus goes: "What's it like to be in love; that's all a n!gga thinking of/ and I was just wondering will love ever know me/'Cuz my heart is open, and i've been hopin/to find what it is everybody keeps on talkin' bout/". Now THAT's truth. These are some young men who have come to the point of realizing that what they thought was love was not love, and they want to know what true love is. And it gives me hope when I hear the song: there are a few cats out there who realize that, to our generation, true love is an unexplored frontier.


So that's my 5 peeps. Don't get me wrong, they're not necessarily my 5 favorite love songs. But they're 5 of the most significant love songs I know, 5 that really capture love in 5 dimensions.

Love in 5 Dimensions... THAT's what I shoulda called this one! I'll use that title for the cross examination, lol.

Jesus Peace

So I'm Here Again...

Remember, reflect, reminisce, rehash, recall, recollect, recognize. We all do it, some more than others, but we all think back about the things that once were. Some manage to put their past behind them; others like myself tend to be nostalgic about it and keep it as a private treasure; and some loathe and despise what they've been through.

Most people believe that familiar saying "what's past is past/ what's passed is passed/ what's past is passed/ what's passed is past" (betcha never thought of it like that huh! that's what happens when you rhyme all the time, lol). I for one am a proponent of the past never truly ceasing to exist. Whether it be a childhood trauma that embeds a very present fear in you, or a past/passed victory that you draw upon for strength; the moment leaves you, but the past doesn't.

Now, the key is you control how much influence you allow the past to have over you. Because regardless of your past, every moment comes down to decisions. Granted, not every individual is strong enough to master this influence. But for those who can, the past becomes only what the person allows it to be, and that's a wonderful thing.

Then there's the fun thing about the past; when the past comes into the present to add some spice to your life. I'm in that situation right now, where someone with whom I've had no contact for going on 6 years all of a sudden is closer to me than they probably even realize. Thing is, last time we talked, things were awkward, and I have no idea how the person feels about me, nor do I think she (yup, she) knows how I feel about her; heck, actually I don't even know how I feel about her. But it's cheeky isn't it?

So how do I handle the situation. Jigabod's better judgment (you might call him Battlecataclysmic) says, "NO YOU IDIOT, NOT THIS AGAIN! HOW MANY TIMES YOU GOTTA GET KNOCKED WOOZIE BEFORE YOU STAY THE HECK DOWN! YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT, BEGGING FOR IT! I'M NOT GONNA HELP YOU IF YOU GO THRU WITH IT!" The more adventurous (naive) side says, "Hmm... HMMM... HMMM... But hmm..."

I think its the thrill of it peeps; either that or I'm masochistic or something. ...Actually, you know what I think it is? Closure. I think I don't like having lingering thoughts. Remember the "What If" post from near the beginning of Romancexpress? Well, this is presenting itself as a possible opportunity to snuff a lingering "what if". And I think I want to know, but at the same time, if it's not favorable, I don't want to know. But on the other hand, I'm not sure what I would consider "not favorable".

So, to sum it all up, I'm excited: anxiously anticipating, but cautiously closing in. In the meantime, the most important thing is that I try to lock down my feelings and decide if I wanna pursue this or not; it's kinda hard to respond decisively when you have mixed emotions.

So the past returns to the present; I'm here again. It's beautiful, it's welcome and familiar, but it's mysterious and strange, and it's definitely foreboding. And so is she.

Jesus Peace

Nah... Nah-nah-nah...

You know, my counselor quickly identified me as the "compliant child" in my family. I mean, it's obvious, nothing new, but I've really been giving that some thought...

In the last few days to weeks, I've been doing more "non-compliance", and the backlash has been incredible. Cats that usually maintain mutual respect, all of a sudden it's like they think they own me or something. I was being hospitable before, but guess what: that same respect I expected then, I expect now. Just because I don't take orders from cats, cats act like they wanna put me "back in line"? Nah... Nah-nah-nah, slavery BEEN done...

Man, I can't believe it; it's like, I'm actually paranoid, wondering if I'm delusional or something people! I think to myself, "There's no way all these people could be snapping on me at once on some 'my way or the highway' tip; not after all the times I let them run over me over the years. ARe you SeRiouS?! I didn't owe you explanations then, I gave them freely. If I'm not causing harm to anybody, DO NOT cross me like that!" I mean, could you picture cats getting mad at me for choices I make that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM? It's like you getting mad at me because I had an orange for lunch and not an apple, and you had nothing to do with me obtaining either one, just picture that PICTURE THAT.

...I wish I could get a tattoo or something: "Before I bow down to ANYBODY, I will fight EVERYBODY." I know it sounds harsh and extreme, but the more I think about it the STUPIDER it seems! See, at this point you should be thinking to yourself, "the man has a right to feel how he feels." If you're thinking, "oh he's out of line," then you might be one of the cats I'm tambout! "Out of line"?! What kinda sh!t is that?!! Like I'm in a unit or a team or something!

Don't get me wrong folks; I love working with others. But that's strictly bizness. Whether or not I feel like talking to you one day, that's my bizness. Personal relationships I gain or lose, my bizness. The direction of my life, my bizness. Long as I'm not doing harm (and by harm, I mean lasting physical/emotional damage) to anybody, then nobody should have anything to say about it 'less I ASK for it. And if I'm hurting anybody emotionally, then I suggest you say so and stop beating around the bush!t...

^^^I'm still looking at this like I'm paranoid or something, and that's sad. I'm so compliant that when I get mad I question if I have grounds for it. Bogus huh?...


P.S. - Contrary to the vibe of the above writings, I actually had a decent birthday today. Special thanx to the ladies and gents that hit me on Facebook and otherwise and to Brandy; it really meant a lot that you read my blog. You're the reason I'm not REALLY mad right now, lol...

Unblocked...

LET IT BREATHE!!! HA!

And just like that ladies and gentlemen, I went from a flustered standstill to an OVERFLOW. From the time we last talked until this very moment, I've drawn so many bars and verses that my head is spinning.

I had a notion to create a mixtape; not an actual album, but a rough group of several songs. The general idea is my alter ego, Battlecataclysmic, spitting raw rhymes with a fighter's theme. And a big shout to the homie Doc from B.L.O.G.; I decided to call it "Dead Art" after he quoted "rap is dead" to me.

Since the direction is so vague, I've been writing with NO LIMITS. It's like I've found a sweet spot between freestyle battle rhyming and perfected verses and I've been CUTTING LYRICS ALL DAY. It's not my best work, but I guarantee you'll never be able to tell; I simply substituted cunning technique for some of the substance. And one thing I learned: if you're rhymes are random, simply compensate with random titles and it's all good. Lesson learned from observations of greatness (namely OutKast and the Simpsons, lol)

Of course, after while I started getting a bit overwhelmed; I was writing for like 5-7 hours. So I took a break... only to find myself in deep conversation with one of the people responsible for my rhyming skills, lol (shout to High Kill) It was about the role of men in society and what it's gonna take to rebuild relationships. The discussion came about from my introducing the concept of Jigabod's album, "Apology"... not now, I'll go into detail about it another time, lol.

So I jumped on my soapbox for the first time in a few months, lol. The writing just wouldn't stop.

But then the icing on the cake, birthday cake that is. Shout to my special friend "Kish" on her 22nd B-Day. She requested a poem and I was happy to oblige. THE WRITING JUST WOULD NOT STOP, lol. But she was mad appreciative, and that really made my day... and made me wanna write summore.

So here I am recording the exploits. And guess what I'm gonna do after I leave here... WRITE SUMMORE!!!

Jesus Peace B-J

Blocked

Hey, I'm sorry. Don't mean to leave ya'll hanging like this. I haven't forgotten about the blog and all; believe it or not, I've had about 8-10 good ideas for blogs, and I even started writing most of them when I thought em up. But then, I just deleted em. I would write maybe a paragraph and then I'd just lose my appetite, and "poof".

I have no idea what's going on. I'm trying to get focused, but I still feel a lot of outside pressures knocking me off-center. I'm off work for a while to get totally freed up; hopefully I won't spend that time freeing myself from new obligations. I'm desperate to get things going just so I can silence cats. That's how it always is with me: the results of my actions always do more to defend me than my explanations. So it's best I get cracking.

The problem is, I'm still not sure exactly what I'm doing. I've got five books in my room behind me right now:

1) The Music Business: Career Opportunities and Self-Defense
2) Iacocca: An Autobiography
3) Launching New Ventures: An Entrepreneurial Approach
4) Winning Grants Step by Step
5) Grant Writing: Strategies for Developing Winning Proposals

In my mind, I'm contemplating:

1) Completing two albums, which was my first goal. The albums are Battlecataclysmic - "Gargoyle" and Jigabod - "Apology". I want these completed because my number-one priority is putting a buzz in people's ears to help them along and turn whoever I can back to God. That's all I was ever in it for.

2) Finding a way to profit from serving others. And DON'T MISREAD THIS, I'm not saying I'm in this for money; I sincerely want to help people and if I could I'd do it all for free. But truth be told, as long as I'm not getting any income from it, I'll always hafta have some other distraction of a job on the side that will prevent me from doing all that I can with my music and with helping others. So if I can find a way of helping others and making music that pays, then I can go with it full-time, which is much more preferable.

3) Networking. I realize I don't have all the know-how, nor do I have all the resources, nor am I aware of all the opportunities available to me. So I'm networking with people from locals to unknowns to fairly well-known celebs to create a network for myself. Ideally, I would like to find people who trust what I'm about; people willing to give me the benefit of the doubt instead of hassling me until I'm dumbfounded. It's been a long journey and I'm tired; I'm not here to butt heads. But if it takes butting heads, then I can be a goat about it too. <----Okay, I'm a little tense, yes. Bare with me.


I've got three weeks before I go back to the grind. I plan to work day and night every day for those three weeks. I'll probably do some job-hunting as well in case I don't have a breakthru in those three; hopefully I can find something I can take up that will better suit me and better pay me. You never know.

Oh yeah... then there's the pressure issue. Pretty soon, I get the feeling my pops is gonna leave the bills to me. But ladies and gents, I'm not exactly living in a small apartment here. I'm talking HOUSE payments. Nothing gratis, every expense left to me. And on a full-house scale. How dope is that, eh? So there's even more pressure on me to work more and leave less time for me and my exploits to advance my vision. So right now, I'm kinda on a "fie on how anybody else feels about it" tip right now, simply cuz I have no time for it. You understand right...

Anywasy, regrettably I missed church today. But I'm making up in my mind right now that next Sunday I will be there, and I'im going to try never to miss a Sunday, like it used to be. Meantime, I got 6 days to get busy. So enough talk; gotta get to some REAL work.

Jesus Peace