So I'm Here Again...

Remember, reflect, reminisce, rehash, recall, recollect, recognize. We all do it, some more than others, but we all think back about the things that once were. Some manage to put their past behind them; others like myself tend to be nostalgic about it and keep it as a private treasure; and some loathe and despise what they've been through.

Most people believe that familiar saying "what's past is past/ what's passed is passed/ what's past is passed/ what's passed is past" (betcha never thought of it like that huh! that's what happens when you rhyme all the time, lol). I for one am a proponent of the past never truly ceasing to exist. Whether it be a childhood trauma that embeds a very present fear in you, or a past/passed victory that you draw upon for strength; the moment leaves you, but the past doesn't.

Now, the key is you control how much influence you allow the past to have over you. Because regardless of your past, every moment comes down to decisions. Granted, not every individual is strong enough to master this influence. But for those who can, the past becomes only what the person allows it to be, and that's a wonderful thing.

Then there's the fun thing about the past; when the past comes into the present to add some spice to your life. I'm in that situation right now, where someone with whom I've had no contact for going on 6 years all of a sudden is closer to me than they probably even realize. Thing is, last time we talked, things were awkward, and I have no idea how the person feels about me, nor do I think she (yup, she) knows how I feel about her; heck, actually I don't even know how I feel about her. But it's cheeky isn't it?

So how do I handle the situation. Jigabod's better judgment (you might call him Battlecataclysmic) says, "NO YOU IDIOT, NOT THIS AGAIN! HOW MANY TIMES YOU GOTTA GET KNOCKED WOOZIE BEFORE YOU STAY THE HECK DOWN! YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT, BEGGING FOR IT! I'M NOT GONNA HELP YOU IF YOU GO THRU WITH IT!" The more adventurous (naive) side says, "Hmm... HMMM... HMMM... But hmm..."

I think its the thrill of it peeps; either that or I'm masochistic or something. ...Actually, you know what I think it is? Closure. I think I don't like having lingering thoughts. Remember the "What If" post from near the beginning of Romancexpress? Well, this is presenting itself as a possible opportunity to snuff a lingering "what if". And I think I want to know, but at the same time, if it's not favorable, I don't want to know. But on the other hand, I'm not sure what I would consider "not favorable".

So, to sum it all up, I'm excited: anxiously anticipating, but cautiously closing in. In the meantime, the most important thing is that I try to lock down my feelings and decide if I wanna pursue this or not; it's kinda hard to respond decisively when you have mixed emotions.

So the past returns to the present; I'm here again. It's beautiful, it's welcome and familiar, but it's mysterious and strange, and it's definitely foreboding. And so is she.

Jesus Peace