The Heck Did I Put My Gun...

It's been a long journey through this life. I've gone through so many changes, many of which the people around me will never know. Doesn't change the fact though.

I was happy when I was ignorant. Then I got some sense; sense that I kept to myself because they said I was too young to "understand anything". Thing is, nothing changed as I got older, and I fell into depression from the disappointment. Then I came out of that depression, but I came out with my gun drawn.

Thought I was gonna be okay with that, and maybe I would have. But then I went off to college, an entire year to myself. And with help, I was able to get past anger back to a sense of content. Been there for a while now.

But you know, I listen to the music I did when I was younger and the music I do now. It's pretty much the same material, though much more advanced. Still... well, I'll put it as my homie Joe put it. I let him hear my old tracks, and he said, "'Joints are TOUGH man." I think they are too. And even though I'm a better MC now, I don't feel that same toughness.

So what's the missing ingredient? I call myself a master of rhyme now, I got the lyrical skill to appeal to anybody from any style of rap. I say I've got the breathing down pat, vocals come thru nice and clear. What's missing?

As I listened and reflected, the answer was simple: I'm not mad anymore. Yes, I still care about the things around me very much. Yes I still get perturbed when people talk about things they know good and well they aren't doing anything to fix anyway. Yes, I still feel like I hold solutions and healing words. But I don't scoul and seethe over it anymore; I don't run people off with cynical words; I don't burn at myself the same way when I mess up.

More and more I ask myself why. Why did this take so long... Why not when I was angry and driven... I didn't plan on being an old man trying to convince younger people that "I can relate"; I wanted to be right there with them so they could see for themselves. Bah...

I'm tempted to lose faith in my own cause (and please, don't anybody respond to this with the usual "be strong" and "I'm surprised to hear this from you" and such---I'm venting to get my own thoughts in order). In light of it all, I WANT to be angry, just to push forward a little longer. But Lord (cuz I know You're probably seeing this) I'm not looking for a "be careful what you wish for" situation where somebody close to me suffers something terrible and I get my anger back from it; just checking.

I can't get past it... Why have such good intentions and be so fervent only to burn out here? I saw this young activist up in Canada, and she's making moves and working toward change. That's all I ever wanted to do, and yet I'm winded. Maybe I'm in the process of an "against all odds" story, but I don't really care about beating the odds: I want results. I figure results are what people are most in need of, not inspirational stories.

smh... I'm sorry. That's just how I'm feeling at the moment. I put my gun, my anger down a long time ago hoping it was for the better. Now I feel weak. Even though I'm more mature, it's that immature passion and angst that I'm missing right now. So either I'm gonna find my old gun, or try a new one. And it better have a heck of a kickback.