"'Cause What We Feel Is Oh-So Real..."

Note to self and advisory to all (Brothas)...

NEVER SING A LOVE SONG DUET WITH A GIRL UNLESS YOU'RE ACTUALLY DATING HER. MATTER OF FACT, DON'T EVEN DO IT UNLESS YOU PLAN TO MARRY HER. NO, DON'T EVEN PLAY LIKE THAT WITH YOUR FEMALE HOMIES. BECAUSE IT MAY NOT BE TOMORROW OR THE NEXT DAY, BUT ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA TURN ON THE RADIO, AND THAT SONG IS GONNA COME ON, AND YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE, " I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY DID THAT... THAT WAS REAL COOL... DAG I MISS HER... I SHOULDA DATED HER..."

Just thought I'd warn you (Brothas). And fie on you, Atlantic Starr, and your "Secret Lovers" too... (I didn't even have chemistry with her!... And she's got a man anyway!... I think... I wonder... Dadgommit...)

The Perfect Blend

I can't believe what's going on inside and outside of me right now. So many changes and emotions. I used to be afraid to let myself go, but now all I want to do is free myself--- let all the things inside of me expolde into whatever they may become.

So where am I right now? Well, he're's the recipe:

1. I feel stronger than I've ever felt in my whole life. I mean really, you should see me. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite a slim fella so it's not Hercules goin on. But all this moving and tossing boxes for 7 1/2 hours every night is really paying off; I like the way my body is right now And it's killing me that my co-workers tell me I'm working too hard; they really don't believe me when I say I've got plenty to spare. Maybe I'm even stronger than I think I am...

2. I'm determined. In light of my mother's passing, I haven't had much downtime. And now all of a sudden, I realize what I want. I want FULL CONTROL of my situation. I want to pay my own bills, my own tuition, and anything that pertains to me and my little sister. I don't want anybody else's will imposed on me and my sis. And I really believe that, if I am to make my dreams come to reality, now is the time to take action. I never get tired as long as what I'm doing is toward that end.

3. I'm angry. I can't depend on my own father without him putting conditions on the things he does for me. It's bad enough he and my mother never resolved issues; that's the only thing she wanted before she passed, and I wanted to see it happen too. Now the rest of the family is supporting us, which I appreciate. But I still feel that even they have in mind already what I should do, and they say it's on behalf of my mother. But my mother told me before she passed that the only thing she wants for me is to be happy. So I will.

4. I'm cautious. My number one concern, no matter what I do, is that my sister is out of harm's way. I don't even like the fact that my dad is taking her back to school without me being able to go with her. But as long as I can do something about it, my sister will never be in need or have to worry.

5. I'm vulnerable. Through all this angst, right now I can't even listen to gospel music. I never used to care for it, but I'd listen every now and then. and when I listened it never really effected me unless it was a really well done song. Now... every time I hear gospel music I think about my mother, and I start crying. So you can see how missing church is a liiiiiittle bit more feasible than it used to be a little bit; I almost cried even at work last night when some gospel came on. It's funny just a year ago I wished I could cry again, but I didn't want it to be under these circumstances. On the other side of it, vulnerable also means I have zero tolerance for smart remarks, unreasonable actions, and threats (Dad!) so I've been taking names (Dad!), which I shouldn't be doing.

(Side note: Yes, I am trying to get back to church... I'm not missing it on purpose... It's my work schedule...)

6. I'm free. Adults like to say "with freedom comes responsibility" to scare us out of things. But I have found the perfect perspective to beat this mind game. It's not "with freedom comes responsibility"; it's "with responsibility comes freedom"! Whatever you're responsible for, you're also free control without interference. So as I'm gaining new responsibilities, I'm also gaining the liberty to have my way in the spheres of those responsibilities. And as I said before, my ultimate goal is to have FULL CONTROL of my situation. So responsibilities you say? Bring dat.

7. I'm optimistic. The more I isolate myself from people like my dad, the more I realize that the world is infinitely huge... In other words, there are waaaaaaaay many more people out there than the ones who are close to me. So I'm networking, creating my own spheres of operation. I'm making friends with my co-workers; I already have chemistry with this cat they call Champ, who's a conscious MC like myself. And I'm getting business advice from this other lady named Linda (they called my mom Linda too, lol).


Quite a volatile mixture there, huh? I call it the perfect blend: strength, determination, anger, caution, vulnerability, freedom, and optimism. So like I told Linda last night, no matter what I do, I don't intend to fail. And how I feel is really irrelevant because I know, once I get my head above water and can breathe again, I'll feel great. Right now, I got a job to do.

All LoveB-J

This is the Most Pitiful...

...display of "please purchase me" that I've seen since Marques Houston released his Naked album. So I'm at work last night, right? Putting boxes on shelves, minding my own business. It's nearing Christmas time so toys are real big right now. So I'm heading to the backroom toy section to replenish something on the shelf there.

I get halfway down the aisle, and all of a sudden I hear this whiny-whimpery noise. I'm saying to myself, "What in the...!?" I'm spinning around and seeing nothing. So I stop. Then the noise starts again. It's coming from right next to my leg.

I look down... It's a friggin Pound Puppy. That son of a... (can't I say it this time? it really is a son of a "one-of-those" after all...) I think it's got some kind of motion sensor on it. So guess what? When people walk by it in the store, it's gonna start whimpering. And I mean, it's the most pitiful sound you ever wanna hear; complete with the most pitiful face you ever wanna see. And it moves too! Dadgommit... I wanted to buy one for all THAT whining.

So I would just like to complain. Do you realize how many kids are gonna go to the store, never THINKING about that mutt, and the minute they walk by it, they're gonna fall in love with it, and parents are gonna have to buy it or break their kids hearts, and some women might even buy one for themselves. It's pretty friggin sad. Those sons of... (I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY IT DADGOMMIT!) They're gonna sell like hotcakes.

And all I could think about all night was, "Man... I think I need a dog." Yeah... Like I can really afford a dog right now. Matter of fact I might screw around and buy one of them Pound Puppies... 1) Ya don't gotta feed em. 2) Ya don't gotta clean up after em. 3) They'll probably outlast me. 4) I mean look at it... It's so pitiful in that box... on that shelf... all by it's lonesome...

What am I saying... F#CK YA'LL DOG!!! HAAAAhaaaa...

All LoveB-J

(Note to self: No profanity please. Kids might be watching. Thank You.)

So Far From Paradise...

Screaming... What could I possibly say that would make any difference... Suicide... That's a coward's way out... Running... Where the heck would I run to... Fighting... This enemy is impervious to physics... Sleeping... 8 hours of delusion, and then it's back to square one... Advice... Shoot, I know all the cliches...

When the Bible talks about "peace that passes all understanding..." I think maybe I understand it now. Maybe there are some things in life for which there is no earthly comfort. And so, only totally trusting God can bring you relief. And I have to learn that that relief does not come about as a result of God presenting a solution. It comes totally out of the trust itself. Blind trust. Blind faith.

Unfortunately, I think waaaaaaaaay too much. I can't turn my mind off. When I wake up tomorrow, do I lie in bed and wait for a miracle to happen? Do I throw away all my allegiences to family and expectations and actively take a new course? Or do I passively accept and handle the responsibilities I already have? In the midst of all this, I still don't know. And until I know, that blind trust and blind faith are my only hopes of being at peace.

I was just thinking the other day... If I had one wish, I don't think I'd blow it on any of the typical things: girls (though I'd like to have some company right now), changing the past, money, fame... I think if I had one wish, it would be to know. Even that is a foolish wish, because there are many things I wouldn't want to know. But not knowing seems to be the greatest handicap to my future.

My future... I believe great things are going to happen for me, but they're things that I have no proof of. And until I know, I can't prove it to anyone else. I could be on the threshold of a breakthrough, but until I can see it, for all I know, paradise is lightyears away. Anywasy, I gotta go to sleep. Can't miss church in the morning.

Soul Food

So I was talking to a new friend of mine, a young MC by the name of JRid 3000 reppin the UK. We had been discussing cultural differences our respective regions, and he asked me to tell him about the Dirty South. I'm glad he asked me that ladies and gentlemen...

As I began to tell him about it, it really took me back. Back to before the bling era. Back to the dust of the dirt roads. Back to my grandmama and grandaddy. Back to the best of years: 1995.

I began to tell him about the reeeeal Dirty South: where the struggle against racism created a beautiful bond between Black people; where family was the most important thing, second only to God; where there was poverty and paradise in the same place. I told him about OutKast and Goodie Mob. No, not the Speakerboxxx/The Love Below OutKast you just met. The Southernplayalisticadillacmusik and ATLiens you never knew about. Ask me one day, I'll tell ya;-).

Then the J asked me about Soul Food... Such a powerful question!

I told him about macaroni and cheese, collard greens, fried chicken, baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, potato salad, sweet potato pie, cornbread, ham, and all that good stuff. But then I told him what it means to us. See, it's not the food really; it's the relationships that make the soul food. It's the matriarch of the family putting her strength and love in the food she cooks from scratch, reflecting the things she learned from her mother . It's the family and friends coming together and contributing, sharing the same spirit of joy, happiness, sorrow, and pain. It's the sitting at a table together and saying grace to bring God in the midst of the gathering. And then it's the laughing and sharing, the crying and comforting, the hugging and playing. That's what feeds our souls. That's soul food. That's why even hot dogs and chips at an old school block party are soul food; because it's a gathering of people in a spirit of love and sharing.

Then my friend asked me about the Goodie Mob video for their 1995 hit song "Soul Food". In it, the group goes from working in a corporate fast-food restaurant to opening their own people-oriented Soul Food restaurant. And it reminded me of so much. About how we used to do things for others out of love and not out of need. How things haven't always been about business, but that there used to be a genuine concern for people. I felt myself slipping back in time, and I couldn't believe how a simple question, "What is soul food", could move me so much.

You know what?... I think I'm gonna have a family gathering. And I wanna do some cooking, like my mom used to. And I want to put time and effort into it, none of that microwave stuff. Maybe this Christmas! Matter of fact, there needs to be a block party or something where families just get together and enjoy each other. Especially with our families falling apart the way they are. It would be a beautiful thing.

And I don't at all think Soul Food is a strictly "Black thing". J is a White brotha, and he was telling me they do the same type of thing in England. So shoot... why can't we all do it together, ya know?

"Come and get some Soul Food... (well well)
Good Old-Fashioned Soul Food... (all right)
Everything is for free, as good as it can be,
Come and get some Soul Food..."

GA to UK; it's All LoveB-J

"Good Morning!"

Good Morning. I hope you slept well; if you're lucky, you're still curled up beneath warm covers, dreaming of something sweet. After all, it's only 6:25 and it's still dark outside. Me, I'm just getting in from work...

While I was on the job last night/this morning a DJ on a local station said "Good Morning". I hear it all the time, but for some reason it really struck a nerve today. I just thought about how nice it would be to wake up one morning and wish myself a good morning.

It's a beautiful thing that each day is a new day; you wake up with new vitality to face challenges that you've never faced before and that you will never face again. It's like a resurrection of sorts as your mind awakens and you begin to breathe with life. We have bad days, and we have sleepless nights. But when you can wake up with the sunrise and simply say "Good Morning", it's a beautiful and bountiful blessing; God is good to us.

So, as I slip under the covers myself and steal a few hours away from the day, I want to wish you "Good Morning". Any morning you get to see is a good morning. The sun's coming up; I gotta go.

All LoveB-J

The Void Experience

Arright... here's that second entry I warned you about. And it's gonna be sad and weird, but I invite you to read it too. I think I've kinda come across something profound in the course of my sulking...

I am experiencing something I think should be called "the Void". My mom has passed, and there's this emptiness in the place in my heart she used to fill. I mean, you know how close mothers and sons are. I used to hug her all the time. I have no one to hug now. I used to tell her the funny jokes and the events and the people I ran into during the day. There's nobody there to listen to me. No more, "Coming in!" when she gets off work. During the "wake" at my house, when everybody was bringing in food, I went looking for her one-of-a-kind macaroni. It wasn't there.

But here's the crazy thing. I've been single, flirting, etc. for a long time now. And now all of a sudden, I have this urge to really love somebody like never before. It makes me think about the Bible verse that says "a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Maybe, the way God designed it, when you're no longer with your parents the love is still there, and you have to find a new subject to redirect your affections to. I don't have any distractions or other obligations really; I feel like I can really be devoted to somebody. Weird huh?

But now the other part of the Void that I didn't count on. When she was alive, it was my Mom, my baby sister, and me living in the same house; my dad lives in SC. When my sister left for college, it was nothing; my mom was still here and I knew sis would be back come vacation time or whatever. But now that mom's gone, I'm home alone.

No, I don't mind the quiet; I'm a very solitairy person by nature. But get this... In my mind, I'm associating absence with death. My mom's not in her room, and I associate that with her passing. But then my sister's not in her room either. So everytime I walk by her room, I'm in shock like, "My sister's gone too!?" It's only for a split second, then I realize I'm trippin'. But you gotta understand how that makes me feel. It's frightening.

I've never heard anybody talk about that side of The Void Experience. It's a crazy mindgame. I gotta keep telling myself what's real and what's really grief psyching me out. The solution? I don't know really. It's not like I'm gonna make my sister come home to make sure she's okay, lol. But I think I'm gonna just tell her I love her the next time I chat with her.

Jesus PeaceB-J

I'm Tired; I'm Going to Sleep

I'm sorry for taking readers on sad walks like this. I never intended to do that, but it's just a rough time for me. Believe me, I won't be here much longer. But I just gotta share my feelings on this particular thing:

I got home today. Still haven't really settled myself, but I'm managing. Work went well last night. I got off late though, and ended up oversleeping and almost missing my first class today. No biggie. Had a make up a test for my second class today. No biggie. Almost forgot I had to make a presentation in my third class today until my classmate reminded me. The papers were in my car; grabbed em and got the job done. No biggie.

But then I get home, looking forward to taking a load off and making up for the rest of my sleep. What do I find in the doorway? A business card. I'm assuming it's another nice sentiment from someone who knew my mother. Maybe it was depending on how you look at it. Try a "special agent" from the IRS.

It seems so wrong to me how life revolves around death and taxes. Especially the taxes part. Who's idea was it for us to live like this, under the constant watch of some huge economic system that will follow us from the cradle to the grave and beyond if possible? I don't even know what the lady came by for, but I guarantee her superiors (and maybe her too, if things just suck like that) don't give a flying (use your imagination) how I feel right now. Humanity is so mechanized and systemized; it's hard for me to grieve right now because I know it's gonna put me further behind, ya know? And that's foul.

So am I afraid? I dunno... does it matter? I still gotta face whatever's on the horizon. Might as well look good doing it right? So nah, I'm not afraid. I left my name and number---BOTH numbers--- on the answering machine at her office. And u know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna write another entry. Then I'm gonna go to sleep. Cuz I'm tired.

Sweet DreamsB-J

HELP! (I think)

I know time won't slow down for me, but I just can't seem to center myself. It feels like something's inside me, and I can't settle down to tap into it to save my life. My heart is racing like I'm afraid of something. But I sleep peacefully every night.

Speaking of fears, I feel like several of my worst fears have come to pass. And yet here I am, still breathing, still standing... because I really don't have a choice do I? That's why I have so few fears; because even before they happen I realize that there's nothing I can do if the Lord sees fit to let them come. At the same time, He says that He'll never put more on us than we can bare. So fear is pointless to me; aside from my brontophobia, I really fear nothing.

And yet my heart still races...

I wish it was love, but I know it's not. Love can feel bad, but not this bad. I always without fail have a crush on somebody, so I'd definitely know if it was love. I find that when I read God's Word, it puts me at peace for the time that I'm reading. Maybe that's it; maybe I'm not reading enough. It's the weirdest thing though... When I'm happy and having a good time, that's when I feel like reading it. When I'm sick to my soul, that's when it becomes hard for me to open it. Most people run to God only when they need help; I only look for God when I'm on top of things.

Come to think of it, I think it might have something to do with my relationship with my pops. Pops is good for nagging and picking; at least in the past he has been. So I always try to handle things myself before enlisting his help; I want things to be in order before he shows up so that he won't make those cutting remarks that he makes. Maybe that relationship has affected my spiritual life?

Hm... maybe that's why I'm bad about accepting help from anybody. Most times, I'd rather just take the fall and clamber out of the pit myself than accept help. That way I owe no one and no one has an influence over me. Even in my pursuit of music, I'd rather be an independent than sign to a label so I can have total control of what I put out. I think the only person in the world I trust enough to ask for help is my best friend Swim.

But back to the most important thing in all this; I have to go back to the Word for help. I pray, but I think I do more whining when I pray than anything. The Word can help me not to do that, I know. Man... I don't know about anyone else out there, but to me it sux having to ask for help. I know I'm not strong and I'm not proud of it, so I could do without the constant reminders of my weakness. Or maybe not... God knows and I don't.(<-----see, another reminder.) ...as I look back on this entry, I see how many times I used the word "I" "me" and "my" as I wrote it. Obviously my focal point is too self-centered right now. But I don't like losing myself; I have so many responsibilities and decisions to make, ya know? And the last thing I wanna do is screw up to get reprimanded by somebody; I might REALLY lose myself then and say some awful nice things. I'm not exactly sad... okay maybe I am. But I'm hopeful still. I know I'm not done here. So I'm gonna try to open this book and get some help. It's not easy tho... Even in light of going to work in 5 hours... All Love

Holy Spirit Garden Salad

God, bless the woman who came to my door today...

I woke up this morning... did I ever go to sleep tihs morning? I went to work about 9:30pm and didn't get back until 7:40-something in the morning... Anywasy, I woke up this morning to a knock at my door. Thinking it was somebody from down the street, I went to answer it. It was a woman I'd never seen before. She was holding a bag. She said she was giving something on behalf of her church, but I don't think she knew about my mother's passing or anything; it seemed to be a random act. As she passed me the bag, I saw it had vegetables for salad in it. How did she know?! My aunt was just asking me if I had any salad-type vegetables the other day! Before she left, she mentioned that she had left a book in the bag. "Oh goodie... Jehovah's Witnesses again? Well... a blessing's a blessing..."

Turns out, she wasn't Jehovah's Witnesses after all. She was a Christian like me. And that book she left me... well, there's no doubt that God is hearing me in my distress. It talked about some very basic, but not so basic Christian ideals. One in particular was the subject of "Rejoicing in the Lord".

From reading some of my earlier posts, obviously I haven't been having a blast recently. I've been angry, sad, disappointed, confused, lonely, standoffish, fatigued; you can fill in the rest. But in this book I was reminded that, in spite of it, God is still good. Now you know that even I'm not satisfied with a simple cliche answer like that, so lemme delve a little bit deeper:

My mom is gone; my family is closer, my dad is still alive, my sister is still alive. My new job is hard and goes from 10pm to 6am; I have income, I have a job, I have mobility, I have gas money, I have new friends, I reunited with old friends. My feet hurt and I bruised my friggin knee; I can still walk, I have time to rest and heal, and I'm getting beaucoup exercise.

See? It's all perspective. My cup isn't quite full all the time, but it's never empty. God is good.

I gotta be careful and remember that when I'm discouraged I can discourage others too (oh you didn't know? Christian life is a spectator sport...). Maybe it's not all peaches and cream but, as the book said, why dwell on the briar patches in the flower garden: especially when the briars are in the minority? I've been giving too much press to Satan, so I apologize for that.

And no, I'm not saying it's wrong to feel pain. But the key is how you deal with it. You're supposed to give it to God. And when you don't think that'll make you feel any better, as I usually do, you give it to Him anyway, then make like Junior Jack and Trust It. And when you least expect it, while you're playing hookie from church because you got off work late, He sends a little old lady with an accent to renew your spirit.

Bon AppetiteB-J