The Perfect Blend

I can't believe what's going on inside and outside of me right now. So many changes and emotions. I used to be afraid to let myself go, but now all I want to do is free myself--- let all the things inside of me expolde into whatever they may become.

So where am I right now? Well, he're's the recipe:

1. I feel stronger than I've ever felt in my whole life. I mean really, you should see me. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite a slim fella so it's not Hercules goin on. But all this moving and tossing boxes for 7 1/2 hours every night is really paying off; I like the way my body is right now And it's killing me that my co-workers tell me I'm working too hard; they really don't believe me when I say I've got plenty to spare. Maybe I'm even stronger than I think I am...

2. I'm determined. In light of my mother's passing, I haven't had much downtime. And now all of a sudden, I realize what I want. I want FULL CONTROL of my situation. I want to pay my own bills, my own tuition, and anything that pertains to me and my little sister. I don't want anybody else's will imposed on me and my sis. And I really believe that, if I am to make my dreams come to reality, now is the time to take action. I never get tired as long as what I'm doing is toward that end.

3. I'm angry. I can't depend on my own father without him putting conditions on the things he does for me. It's bad enough he and my mother never resolved issues; that's the only thing she wanted before she passed, and I wanted to see it happen too. Now the rest of the family is supporting us, which I appreciate. But I still feel that even they have in mind already what I should do, and they say it's on behalf of my mother. But my mother told me before she passed that the only thing she wants for me is to be happy. So I will.

4. I'm cautious. My number one concern, no matter what I do, is that my sister is out of harm's way. I don't even like the fact that my dad is taking her back to school without me being able to go with her. But as long as I can do something about it, my sister will never be in need or have to worry.

5. I'm vulnerable. Through all this angst, right now I can't even listen to gospel music. I never used to care for it, but I'd listen every now and then. and when I listened it never really effected me unless it was a really well done song. Now... every time I hear gospel music I think about my mother, and I start crying. So you can see how missing church is a liiiiiittle bit more feasible than it used to be a little bit; I almost cried even at work last night when some gospel came on. It's funny just a year ago I wished I could cry again, but I didn't want it to be under these circumstances. On the other side of it, vulnerable also means I have zero tolerance for smart remarks, unreasonable actions, and threats (Dad!) so I've been taking names (Dad!), which I shouldn't be doing.

(Side note: Yes, I am trying to get back to church... I'm not missing it on purpose... It's my work schedule...)

6. I'm free. Adults like to say "with freedom comes responsibility" to scare us out of things. But I have found the perfect perspective to beat this mind game. It's not "with freedom comes responsibility"; it's "with responsibility comes freedom"! Whatever you're responsible for, you're also free control without interference. So as I'm gaining new responsibilities, I'm also gaining the liberty to have my way in the spheres of those responsibilities. And as I said before, my ultimate goal is to have FULL CONTROL of my situation. So responsibilities you say? Bring dat.

7. I'm optimistic. The more I isolate myself from people like my dad, the more I realize that the world is infinitely huge... In other words, there are waaaaaaaay many more people out there than the ones who are close to me. So I'm networking, creating my own spheres of operation. I'm making friends with my co-workers; I already have chemistry with this cat they call Champ, who's a conscious MC like myself. And I'm getting business advice from this other lady named Linda (they called my mom Linda too, lol).


Quite a volatile mixture there, huh? I call it the perfect blend: strength, determination, anger, caution, vulnerability, freedom, and optimism. So like I told Linda last night, no matter what I do, I don't intend to fail. And how I feel is really irrelevant because I know, once I get my head above water and can breathe again, I'll feel great. Right now, I got a job to do.

All LoveB-J