HELP! (I think)

I know time won't slow down for me, but I just can't seem to center myself. It feels like something's inside me, and I can't settle down to tap into it to save my life. My heart is racing like I'm afraid of something. But I sleep peacefully every night.

Speaking of fears, I feel like several of my worst fears have come to pass. And yet here I am, still breathing, still standing... because I really don't have a choice do I? That's why I have so few fears; because even before they happen I realize that there's nothing I can do if the Lord sees fit to let them come. At the same time, He says that He'll never put more on us than we can bare. So fear is pointless to me; aside from my brontophobia, I really fear nothing.

And yet my heart still races...

I wish it was love, but I know it's not. Love can feel bad, but not this bad. I always without fail have a crush on somebody, so I'd definitely know if it was love. I find that when I read God's Word, it puts me at peace for the time that I'm reading. Maybe that's it; maybe I'm not reading enough. It's the weirdest thing though... When I'm happy and having a good time, that's when I feel like reading it. When I'm sick to my soul, that's when it becomes hard for me to open it. Most people run to God only when they need help; I only look for God when I'm on top of things.

Come to think of it, I think it might have something to do with my relationship with my pops. Pops is good for nagging and picking; at least in the past he has been. So I always try to handle things myself before enlisting his help; I want things to be in order before he shows up so that he won't make those cutting remarks that he makes. Maybe that relationship has affected my spiritual life?

Hm... maybe that's why I'm bad about accepting help from anybody. Most times, I'd rather just take the fall and clamber out of the pit myself than accept help. That way I owe no one and no one has an influence over me. Even in my pursuit of music, I'd rather be an independent than sign to a label so I can have total control of what I put out. I think the only person in the world I trust enough to ask for help is my best friend Swim.

But back to the most important thing in all this; I have to go back to the Word for help. I pray, but I think I do more whining when I pray than anything. The Word can help me not to do that, I know. Man... I don't know about anyone else out there, but to me it sux having to ask for help. I know I'm not strong and I'm not proud of it, so I could do without the constant reminders of my weakness. Or maybe not... God knows and I don't.(<-----see, another reminder.) ...as I look back on this entry, I see how many times I used the word "I" "me" and "my" as I wrote it. Obviously my focal point is too self-centered right now. But I don't like losing myself; I have so many responsibilities and decisions to make, ya know? And the last thing I wanna do is screw up to get reprimanded by somebody; I might REALLY lose myself then and say some awful nice things. I'm not exactly sad... okay maybe I am. But I'm hopeful still. I know I'm not done here. So I'm gonna try to open this book and get some help. It's not easy tho... Even in light of going to work in 5 hours... All Love