So Far From Paradise...

Screaming... What could I possibly say that would make any difference... Suicide... That's a coward's way out... Running... Where the heck would I run to... Fighting... This enemy is impervious to physics... Sleeping... 8 hours of delusion, and then it's back to square one... Advice... Shoot, I know all the cliches...

When the Bible talks about "peace that passes all understanding..." I think maybe I understand it now. Maybe there are some things in life for which there is no earthly comfort. And so, only totally trusting God can bring you relief. And I have to learn that that relief does not come about as a result of God presenting a solution. It comes totally out of the trust itself. Blind trust. Blind faith.

Unfortunately, I think waaaaaaaaay too much. I can't turn my mind off. When I wake up tomorrow, do I lie in bed and wait for a miracle to happen? Do I throw away all my allegiences to family and expectations and actively take a new course? Or do I passively accept and handle the responsibilities I already have? In the midst of all this, I still don't know. And until I know, that blind trust and blind faith are my only hopes of being at peace.

I was just thinking the other day... If I had one wish, I don't think I'd blow it on any of the typical things: girls (though I'd like to have some company right now), changing the past, money, fame... I think if I had one wish, it would be to know. Even that is a foolish wish, because there are many things I wouldn't want to know. But not knowing seems to be the greatest handicap to my future.

My future... I believe great things are going to happen for me, but they're things that I have no proof of. And until I know, I can't prove it to anyone else. I could be on the threshold of a breakthrough, but until I can see it, for all I know, paradise is lightyears away. Anywasy, I gotta go to sleep. Can't miss church in the morning.