The Void Experience

Arright... here's that second entry I warned you about. And it's gonna be sad and weird, but I invite you to read it too. I think I've kinda come across something profound in the course of my sulking...

I am experiencing something I think should be called "the Void". My mom has passed, and there's this emptiness in the place in my heart she used to fill. I mean, you know how close mothers and sons are. I used to hug her all the time. I have no one to hug now. I used to tell her the funny jokes and the events and the people I ran into during the day. There's nobody there to listen to me. No more, "Coming in!" when she gets off work. During the "wake" at my house, when everybody was bringing in food, I went looking for her one-of-a-kind macaroni. It wasn't there.

But here's the crazy thing. I've been single, flirting, etc. for a long time now. And now all of a sudden, I have this urge to really love somebody like never before. It makes me think about the Bible verse that says "a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Maybe, the way God designed it, when you're no longer with your parents the love is still there, and you have to find a new subject to redirect your affections to. I don't have any distractions or other obligations really; I feel like I can really be devoted to somebody. Weird huh?

But now the other part of the Void that I didn't count on. When she was alive, it was my Mom, my baby sister, and me living in the same house; my dad lives in SC. When my sister left for college, it was nothing; my mom was still here and I knew sis would be back come vacation time or whatever. But now that mom's gone, I'm home alone.

No, I don't mind the quiet; I'm a very solitairy person by nature. But get this... In my mind, I'm associating absence with death. My mom's not in her room, and I associate that with her passing. But then my sister's not in her room either. So everytime I walk by her room, I'm in shock like, "My sister's gone too!?" It's only for a split second, then I realize I'm trippin'. But you gotta understand how that makes me feel. It's frightening.

I've never heard anybody talk about that side of The Void Experience. It's a crazy mindgame. I gotta keep telling myself what's real and what's really grief psyching me out. The solution? I don't know really. It's not like I'm gonna make my sister come home to make sure she's okay, lol. But I think I'm gonna just tell her I love her the next time I chat with her.

Jesus PeaceB-J