Dimensions of Beauty

GrrrrrrrrRAH. Pardon me. Long night, long time no see. My apologies, sincerely.

I was thinking about a discussion that my homeboy Swim and I had a while back. Sharp disagreement to be sure, but I'm still sticking to my guns on this one, lol. Here's the premise: the dimensions of beauty.

It was a weird argument, so I can only give you a glimpse of it. Then I'm just gonna give you my whole view and leave it at that before I get you and me lost in something TERRIBLE, lol. Come to think of it, I think me and Swim were arguing not because we actually had a difference of opinion, but because we never actually got on the same topic to begin with. My side of it: there are many dimensions of beauty. His side of it: you're either beautiful or you're not. See how they dont' actually match up? Yet they kinda knick each other too, and that's where the argument was.

Me being a 22 year old young man, it shouldn't surprise you that women are on my mind a lot. But 22 is a strange age because your horizon is especially wide: you're liable to be dating anywhere from a high school senior/grad to a college girl, to a 30 year old woman looking for a thrill. In all that, I often notice how the definition of beauty changes with different ages and different walks of life. ...

OH YEAH, I remember now. One big thing that Swim and I debated on was my belief in the "potential for beauty". Hold on to that...

Now, as a young man, the first type of beauty I recognize is that superficial, easy-breezy beautiful. I mean, not that I necessarily have anything against it, but it's that beauty that girls can turn on and turn off at will. Like not all women wake up with heavenly faces; it takes a bit of preparation, lol. (boy I'm in trouble) But don't get me wrong, if you doll yourself up and I come across you, you're gonna have my attention.

Now KEEPING my attention, that takes a different type of beauty. It's the most amazing phenomena: ugly personalities can truly take away from physical attractiveness. It's similar to how music can change the feel of a movie scene; outward beauty is subject to inward beauty. How much so? I dare say that a surplus of inward beauty can supplement a lack of outward beauty. HOWEVER... Yeah, you know what's up. Outward beauty has its place, I don't need to go any further...

Then there's another dimension of beauty that I've come across from dealing with older women. Unfortunately I haven't dated any of them, but let's b serious... I'm still making my way up in the world; any relationship would prolly just be a fling. A real fun fling. Anywasy, what I've discovered about older women is that they have a certain beauty that comes from having a narrative: they've lived, they've experienced. Mentally, they have much to share, and even the way they carry themselves is a result of experience. That experience adds another dimension to them that, in a good scenario, adds more beauty. As much as I'm not in a position to e'en DREAM of dating a woman with kids, for instance, to me there's a subtle beauty of motherhood that gets factored into a woman who has experienced it.

Which leads me back to our debate... 'Cuz on the experience tip, sometimes I see old women as very beautiful. Pardon me... (waiting for laughter to stop...) Okay, ya'll good?... (uproar...) Aight-aight, but at least hear me out Apollo. This is me: sometimes I see an old woman walk by. I look at her, like really analyze her face. Then I think to myself, "Ya know... she was probably a fox in her younger days..." Then I see her in a new light. Now my homie Swim, and I imagine many of you out there, say, "No... if she's beautiful you'll know right then. You had to think about it 'cuz she's not beautiful."

So there's the debate we had in a cracked nutshell. I'm somewhere between actually seeing beauty and recognizing the potential for beauty; he's an avid believe in beauty being an obvious thing: either you got it or you don't. I'm the type of cat that might see a smoker and say, "Man, she's actually pretty, but thoze cigs make her look so old." Swim's answer would be, "She's not pretty then dawg, it's your imagination, lol."

This has been on my mind the last few nights for some reason. Maybe because Spring has sprung and all that jazz. Yeah, Jigabod mighta come up short on V-Day, but it's that time of the season. So stay tuned and stay beautiful, lol.

For some reason this post didn't come out the way I had in mind... And yet it did. Life is crazy.

Jesus Peace

How Could I Be So Thankless...

(sigh...) Once again I reluctantly return to the world of academia. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: if you know me then you know I hate school, and if you don't know I hate school then you don't know me. But I did some thinking last night at work...

I probably got every award there was to get in every subject in grade school at some point. It was hard. Too many long nights. Too many perfect scores. Too many tests and assignments. Too many "yes ma'ams" and... well I didn't have many male teachers. Too many trophies and certificates come honor's day; too many kids picking on you at the end of the day.

With everything it took for me to get those awards and all, I got a lot of compliments and words of encouragement (from adults, I'd like to point out). It was okay; regardless of where it comes from, a pat on the back is a pat on the back; privileges are privileges. But yo... when it got to the point that my name became synonymous with academia... I began to resent every award, every certificate, every acclamade I ever received. If you've been keeping up, you know that it had gotten to a point that I had no regard whatsoever for my accomplishments, and even more, I regretted getting them in the first place.

Well... I think I'm out of order for that. For several reasons. Even though you don't like something, you still hafta be honest and recognize the blessing when it comes to you.

1. It was a privilege for me to be blessed with intelligence. To be able to comprehend so many things with ease; so many other people I knew struggled
to grasp things that came so easily to me. I was given a sharp mind, and it was nothing but God's grace that allowed me to have it.

2. It was a privilege for my work to be recognized at all. From talking to youths, I recognize that there are so many intelligent people who's work is never put in the spotlight. They have nothing to keep them motivated at all, while I had "motivation" and chose to push it aside.

3. The honors were more than for me. I didn't get to where I am by myself. I wasn't up all those nights working alone. I remember my mother staying on my back to make sure I got long assignments done, and I remember her helping me with quizzes and reviews. The honors I got not only recognized my work, but they commemorated the investment my parents made in me. Same thing for my family; I remember extended family being there when mom and dad were at work or at meetings. So many other kids didn't have that kinda support system. Again, it was only by God's grace that I did.

So there it is: I've been very thankless. Regardless of how I feel, the fact is I've been blessed in academics, and I repent for my feelings of animosity toward past accomplishments...



It's hard once you make that first A+/100 score, because then perfection becomes the standard. And once you do well in something, it's hard to convince those around you that its not the only thing you can do. I'm thankful for my past achievements and for everything that went into making them possible. I'm also thankful for the chance to further my education.

...That's all I got, Lord.

Whoa... Hiatus

JEEEEZE MAN! It's been a loooooong time since I've posted. A lot has transpired though, and there's more to come if I can muster up enough energy and gumption to break some eggs...

Meanwhile, I guess I'll fill ya in on a few key moments of the last few weeks. A few days ago I found myself down in the dumps again. Then, outta the blue, this 15 year old student of mine goes WAY beyond her years and snaps me out of it! She gave me several pointers that really helped me regain my focus. To paraphrase two of them:

1. Don't rely so much on what you think you know.
2. At times, God allows us to have great challenges so that we can have great victories.

JEEEEZE! I 'clare if she wasn't 15 I might hafta date this kid, lol.

Before that, I also got schooled by my homie Joe, who's one year younger than me. He's had a very experienced and well-lived life to be so young; he's even married already and LOVES HIS WIFE TO THE CORE OF HIS BEING. At work, the older heads mistake him for a 30 year old, lol.

In the last 2-3 days I've had the pleasure of hearing the work of a producer that works where I work. HE IS AMAZING; like, I'd put him against anybody in the industry with confidence! It looks like in the near future we're going to collaborate, as well as several other guys that work the night shift. I CAN'T WAIT...

Did I mention I talked to the lady who now teaches in my mother's room at the school? ...I think I did. If not, I'll catch you up later.

Anyway, I'm definitely looking at taking some action very soon. As to what, I'm not sure yet; I'm pretty sure somebody somewhere is gonna have a problem with whatever I choose to do, so I'm preparing myself to accept that. I've tried very hard my whole life to be obedient and respectful to anybody that was ever over me, but I think I'm at a point now where being too obedient will stunt my growth. I waste half of my energy halfway doing things that my heart isn't really in; I waste the other half halfway doing the things that I want to do.

I'm led to think that great courage is the difference between those who succeed at what they pursue and those that fail. The longer I play the posterboy game, the more my resolve diminishes. I can't see myself putting my goals off until I complete the tasks someone else has set before me and then picking them back up. It's kinda like when your parents say, "you can go play after you finish dinner," but when you've finished dinner it's turned dark outside; now you can't go out and play. Or when they make you run their errands for them before you can play, but once you're done with the errands your energy is sapped. What do u think?

MEANWHILE... I've been inducted into the Hall of Fame on a rap site that I post on. Good to know my writing skills are still with me after all this time.

Anywasy, I know this was a very incoherent post. Just letting you know I'm still here. I'm gonna do some deep breathing and relax for a while. If nothing else, I wanna record a song before the day's out.

Jesus Peace

Hmm...

Audio Version:
Romancexpress - Hmm... (3/12/06)

Well... Ladies and gentlemen, it's been quite some time since I've written you, huh? Thing is, I've had a lot of thoughts, but I just haven't felt like writing. Now I kinda feel like writing... but I have no thoughts. I don't know why that sounds familiar, lol...

Well, first of all let me send a special shout out to a young lady who told me she has enjoyed my blog, as well as to my aunt who has read it recently. Thank you for your interests.

...I still haven't come up with anything, lol. Right now, I'm in my room listening to "Love Ballad" by LTD featuring Jeffrey Osborne. I feel like my own mind is far from me somehow. The last few days, I've been doing a lot of short "cyphers"; miniature rap verses passed around small groups of MCs. I'm satisfied to see that my writing ability has improved; still, it feels like "manna in the wilderness" until I get to my real destination.

The school that my mother taught for for over 2 decades has decided to fund a scholarship in her name, and they held a yard sale to raise money. I got a call inviting me to come out, so I did, and I'm REALLY glad I made the short trip. I met the woman who now occupies my mom's classroom; I had met her I think either at the hospital or funeral before, but I had totally forgotten who she was and what she looked like. WE TALKED FOR HOURS! I got so much off my chest, and I think she did the same as we discussed problems inside the school system.

I'm not gonna lie to you; sometimes I think I'm crazy. I've always wondered that even when I was little, because things that seem so obvious and worth note to me seem to carry no weight and cause no concern to others. But not this lady; she heard me out and took my thoughts and ideas to heart. Many of them she had been pondering herself.

She said she really wanted to see me succeed at accomplishing the goals I had in mind, even though they're still a little foggy. She even offered me some names and resources that could be of use. The gesture itself really did a lot for my spirit; I've been dying for that kind of support. To think... I said I'd never set foot on my high school campus again; now I'm considering going back sometime this week just to talk again. I've felt defeated for some time now, but for once I feel like I can get off my back and on my feet again. So now, though I'm still a little tired mentally, I'm pondering and formulating ideas. My pastor often says you have to use faith to see yourself in your place of blessing before you get there. So I'm doing my best to see my way and make my approach.

I'm not sure exactly who or what I'm gonna hafta fight to get there though. One thing I know is that Satan is a trip. I'm even wary of good intentions, because good intentions are relative to a person's priorities and values. I'm going to hafta be adamant enough to assert myself in the face of doubt and discouragement, but flexible enough to keep an open mind, admit mistakes, be hospitable. Like Damascus steel.

It's time for me make manifest these things that have been in my head for so long, and I think I should do this for better or worse. Why? Because I get the feeling that "worse" is a figment of my imagination. I can't imagine anything worse than my misery at feeling out of place for so long... except maybe the regret of never trusting what God put in me enough to profit from it.

Yes, things fall apart. So what... I could've been a miscarriage, that didn't stop my parents from bringing me here. And then they brought my sister here too. The potential for failure shouldn't negate the potential for success, but for some reason it does in the minds of most people. But I'm convinced there's two ways to fail: by falling short and by never trying in the first place. In some ways I envy wreckless people. They may fall short sometimes, or even often, but they KNOW. They KNOW the results of their risk while so many others spend their lives wondering what might have been.

lol... Turns out I had some thoughts after all huh?

Kinetics - The Theme Song

lololol... I know, I promised an audio this time around. But it's not exactly my voice yet; I'll do it next time, promise.

This is actually a song from an instrumental album that my homeboy Swim and I are working on. It was a track that I did for the most part in one night and it shocked me when it was completed. I love it because it resonates with my feelings; like, if my life had a soundtrack this song would be it. In good times and bad times this song always seems to match my mood. And I figure, if this site is about all my inner thoughts and feelings, there should be music to accompany it because music is a HUGE part of me.

So, I give you the Romancexpress Theme Song: "Kinetics" by Greater Augusta Productions.

Greater Augusta Productions - "Kinetics"

And when you get the chance, feel free to peep our other songs at www.soundclick.com/greateraugustaproductions.

All LoveB-J