Hmm...

Audio Version:
Romancexpress - Hmm... (3/12/06)

Well... Ladies and gentlemen, it's been quite some time since I've written you, huh? Thing is, I've had a lot of thoughts, but I just haven't felt like writing. Now I kinda feel like writing... but I have no thoughts. I don't know why that sounds familiar, lol...

Well, first of all let me send a special shout out to a young lady who told me she has enjoyed my blog, as well as to my aunt who has read it recently. Thank you for your interests.

...I still haven't come up with anything, lol. Right now, I'm in my room listening to "Love Ballad" by LTD featuring Jeffrey Osborne. I feel like my own mind is far from me somehow. The last few days, I've been doing a lot of short "cyphers"; miniature rap verses passed around small groups of MCs. I'm satisfied to see that my writing ability has improved; still, it feels like "manna in the wilderness" until I get to my real destination.

The school that my mother taught for for over 2 decades has decided to fund a scholarship in her name, and they held a yard sale to raise money. I got a call inviting me to come out, so I did, and I'm REALLY glad I made the short trip. I met the woman who now occupies my mom's classroom; I had met her I think either at the hospital or funeral before, but I had totally forgotten who she was and what she looked like. WE TALKED FOR HOURS! I got so much off my chest, and I think she did the same as we discussed problems inside the school system.

I'm not gonna lie to you; sometimes I think I'm crazy. I've always wondered that even when I was little, because things that seem so obvious and worth note to me seem to carry no weight and cause no concern to others. But not this lady; she heard me out and took my thoughts and ideas to heart. Many of them she had been pondering herself.

She said she really wanted to see me succeed at accomplishing the goals I had in mind, even though they're still a little foggy. She even offered me some names and resources that could be of use. The gesture itself really did a lot for my spirit; I've been dying for that kind of support. To think... I said I'd never set foot on my high school campus again; now I'm considering going back sometime this week just to talk again. I've felt defeated for some time now, but for once I feel like I can get off my back and on my feet again. So now, though I'm still a little tired mentally, I'm pondering and formulating ideas. My pastor often says you have to use faith to see yourself in your place of blessing before you get there. So I'm doing my best to see my way and make my approach.

I'm not sure exactly who or what I'm gonna hafta fight to get there though. One thing I know is that Satan is a trip. I'm even wary of good intentions, because good intentions are relative to a person's priorities and values. I'm going to hafta be adamant enough to assert myself in the face of doubt and discouragement, but flexible enough to keep an open mind, admit mistakes, be hospitable. Like Damascus steel.

It's time for me make manifest these things that have been in my head for so long, and I think I should do this for better or worse. Why? Because I get the feeling that "worse" is a figment of my imagination. I can't imagine anything worse than my misery at feeling out of place for so long... except maybe the regret of never trusting what God put in me enough to profit from it.

Yes, things fall apart. So what... I could've been a miscarriage, that didn't stop my parents from bringing me here. And then they brought my sister here too. The potential for failure shouldn't negate the potential for success, but for some reason it does in the minds of most people. But I'm convinced there's two ways to fail: by falling short and by never trying in the first place. In some ways I envy wreckless people. They may fall short sometimes, or even often, but they KNOW. They KNOW the results of their risk while so many others spend their lives wondering what might have been.

lol... Turns out I had some thoughts after all huh?