The Great Qi Mystery Continues: Blockage

Kay. SO... I'm still taking note of myself to figure this mystery out, don't think I've forgotten just because I haven't written about it for a while, lol. One thing you gotta know about me; I think in webs. I have a million things going on at once, so just because I walk away from one to work on another doesn't mean I'm done with it.

Matter of fact, to usher you into this post, I'll bring up one of my "side projects". I bought a website a while back. The goal was to create something beautiful from it and simultaneously make a profit. To make a long story not long, s'not happening. Well... yet.

In the meantime, incredible frustration. A side of me has reared that I haven't seen since middle school... actually that I've never seen because back then I wasn't bold enough to be this aggressive. I mean, I'm doing a lot of very uncharacteristic things and I'm constantly having to repent for what I say. Still, I feel like I'm at this point for a reason. And I think I learned something by being here already.

You know, it's funny; you never really learn about yourself until you step outside of your comfort zone and your usual routine. I've been mad a lot recently, mainly due to a lot of ignorance and immaturity from people on my site. But since I've been on this tirade, I've noticed something very strange. I had been doing my best to keep my anger muzzled, at the end of those hot days I was exhausted. But recently, I took the muzzle off and allowed the anger flow freely, swinging at whoever was trying me at the moment. And you know what? When it was over, I wasn't at all tired... As a matter of fact, I had a LOT more reserve left in the tank.

Disclaimer: no I'm not saying it's good to cuss people out and have unbridled anger.

At having so much reserve, I thought to myself, "I do believe I actually use more energy stifling my feelings then when I let them explode! No way..." I always figured that raging out of control would take more energy than choosing to remain peaceful. Then I thought back to my childhood. I had so much energy back then, and coincidentally my feelings we're stifled at all. If I was sad, I'd cry. If I was happy, I'd laugh. If I was angry, I'd fight or use mean words; it's just, my mean words we're profanity back then because I knew no curse words. Perhaps...

Then I thought about something I caught wind of once: "part of Qi is controlling your emotions." And I thought about what it means to control your emotions. Usually, if I feel somethign I don't agree with, I fight it until I silence it. But maybe... maybe what "controlling emotions" actually means is that emotions should be unleashed, but unleashed constructively. When I gave in to my anger, I felt energy like I haven't felt in quite some time.

So my goal now is to find a new way to channel my anger. Of course the first response is "you should write it out." Writing is one of my gifts, but when it comes to anger, it doesn't give me the same feeling as letting my anger explode; writing something that potent isn't so easy to do. I'm a perfectionist, so if my words don't express what I feel to a tee, then it's unsatisfying. Truly, I'd get more satisfaction at shouting; problem is right now I have the urge to shout unmentionables. I need something else...

Well, even though I do repent of my raving, I'm glad I'm experiencing it. It's taught me something about myself: I expend more energy by stifling myself than I do when I go with what I feel; that's amazing to me. I'm not suggesting to go wild and do wrong; I'm suggesting to "be angry and sin not" like the Bible says. I need to learn the correct way to be angry freely. In doing so, I may be one step closer to discovering that "more than meets the eye" that I'm looking for.

B-J