The V-Day Series: Love Language

Remember that double-up I promised ya? Well, its about time we deal with that. This post and the next are going to be related to each other, but varied in approach. What they both boil down to is relating to one another.

This post I call Love Language because we're going to talk about communication. ...I SAID COMMUNICATION! ...You're still here? Good.

Communication is key to any relationship of merit; even as high as our relationship with God, we communicate through prayer and reading God's Word. Yet, we struggle with communication. Matter of fact, most dudes I know get mad if a girl wants to talk, and most girls I know don't express themselves effectively.

So here it is ladies and gents: before this Valentine's Day jumps off, let's talk...

1. Be mindful of what you say. I'm a sensitive cat myself, so I pick up on things that people say that have the potential to be hurtful. Something you think is innocent could easily devastate the one you love. In the Bible, it talks about dwelling with someone "according to knowledge." It's really referring to marriage, but it goes for premarriage as well. You have to get into the mind of the person you're dating and know what makes them tick. Then adjust your words accordingly. Believe me yo, while people rant and rave about "game", common courtesy has been my best friend when relating to the opposite sex simply because so many brothas aren't conscious of the effect of what they say.

A second dimension of being mindful of your words is simply this: let good words flow from you. I used to admire girls from a distance and never express my feelings because I was too shy. I kid you not: it made me sick. I couldn't concentrate and every time I went to class I felt my heart about to burst out of my chest. I might be crazy, but I don't think it's natural for us to repress compliments. So even as a single man I let them flow, and if you're in a relationship with someone, you should DEFINITELY let them flow. It can only generate good feelings in return. Its worth the extra effort and makes quality time extra special.

Third dimension: we speak with more than our words. Our actions and body language speak as much as, if not more than, our mouths (and hands and fingers with various mediums). I'll come back to this later on

2. Be mindful of HOW YOU SAY IT. Think about it like this: we usually say a kiss is more intimate than a glance right? But that's relative... a peck on the cheek doesn't mean as much as a long, sensuous stare from across the room. What you do takes on a whole new meaning depending on how you do it. Only here we're talking about communication.

Tone - knowing the right intensity with which to say something. For instance, yelling is usually NOT a smart way to communicate your feelings. Talking fast causes problems as well. Don't laugh at something if your date/mate is serious. Maintain a soft tone if you want to be addressed in a soft tone.

Diction - knowing the right words to say. It doesn't matter what you say if you say it wrong; the receiver of your words will focus more on the impression you leave than on what you actually said. "That dress makes you look quite large" vs. "I prefer you in this other dress." One of these dudes got hurt when it was all said and done, the other had better diction. "I deserve some attention" vs. "I need some attention." Same request, but the first is a big arrogant; the second is more of a plea, which is much better.

Tact - knowing the right time to say something. Having an argument in public... baaaaad tact. Bring up a problem at the end of a long, hard day... baaaaad tact. Only displaying affection in front of people... baaaaad tact.

3. Be mindful of what you don't say. Alllright... coming full circle. This applies to men and women, but I know maaany more women that do this. If you need to say something, it's best to go ahead and say it; maybe not at the moment mind you (tactfulness please), but do eventually say it. Speaking in code, dropping hints, and just sitting on it are not good for relationships. Unsaid feelings don't go away, and they can turn into something terrible given the right amount of time. There's always a way to express yourself that is both honest and constructive; there's no need to sacrifice either for the other. If you have to postpone the conversation or write a letter, just get it out there. And be careful of this also: oftentimes what we don't express verbally, we express with our bodies and demeanor. Not to pry... but I notice some young ladies who don't walk like they're proud to be with the guys they're with. It's all over their faces, their walk, their absentee gazes. So peeps, if you got something on your chest, gon' let it off. CONSTRUCTIVELY...


Alright, you may see some addendums over time on this post, but I wanna get to the second while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm really looking forward to it. But for now, soak in the love language; it's not nearly as hard as we make it out to be. When you really love somebody, this'll all start to make sense to ya. You'll be talkin that talk in no time.

All LoveB-J

ALMOST FORGOT... Playlist: Talib Kweili feat. Les Nubians - Love Language