Quest for Fire

I'm burned out... I've been burned out. So this is just a smoke signal... I can't tell if I'm on my way up or if I'm falling away from my destination. I don't even know if where I want to be is the right place for me. All I wanted to do was help the world. I wanted to help before things got any worse. Everything that I saw coming back in 1995, it's here now. And it hurts that I couldn't do my part.

So many things... I've held so many answers in the palm of my hands. Things the Lord has shown me, I put them in verses to try to combat the darkness we face. Verses that never really got recorded. ...I never intended to try to "save the world"; that's something only God Himself can do. Just wanted to do my part, ya know? And I was so optimistic about it...

Now, I'm just tired. I had totally pure intentions, but found more opposition than support. And the same people who've ignored me and confined me for so long are the same people who are complaining about the status quo; maintaining respect for elders is hard sometimes. More than that, it's flat out draining.

I keep trying to pull the right people together, but the chemistry is just not there like it used to be. Old friends have changed and I've changed; new friends either have different priorities or have a hard time understanding the way me and my old friends do things. I'm just thankful that I still got that one homie with whom I have a psychic connection. (Shout out to Swim)

So where am I now? In a psychological wasteland:

1) Cornered. I'll never give cats the satisfaction of me admitting defeat; plus, every time I've given up on something in my life I've lived to regret it. Not this time... Not to mention if I ever did give up, I'd probably become something awful. I'd probably laugh if I heard one of these elders whine about the status quo; as if whining is some noble substitute for action so they can feel good about themselves. Yeah, definitely not good for social interactions...

2) Lonely... by choice? Yeah. But I'm alone by choice because I refuse to compromise my original intentions, regardless of who doesn't understand it; I'm constantly being tried with that. The 4th part of my credo is "Let the Fruit be the Proof". It's too draining constantly explaining my reasoning to people (WHERE'S THE CHEMISTRY?!) so I'm just gonna let them see the final result for themselves...

3) Dying for motivation. The sad thing is, I actually HAVE a lot of what I need to do what I wanted to do a long time ago. Now, if only I can get that feeling back that I had in high school. Maybe it was having my friends around me, maybe it was the music I would listen to, but I was so gung-ho for the cause and I felt invincible. I know when I "arrive" it'll come back to me, but I need a little of that fire to get me there in the first place. And it's hard because I feel...obsolete? I feel like I could've had more of an impact back then. Now, I think the power is greatly reduced. But who knows, right? It's just, thoughts like that usually turn out to be true for me. Maybe for once I'll be wrong.

So this is my Quest for Fire stage. I'm running on empty, and I'm constantly a heartbeat away from quitting. But being at the bottom has it's advantages: I have no reason to fear anything. So, ironically, quitting is the only thing I won't be doing.

In the meantime, anybody got a light?