What If...

The question of the ages... This simple question is the beginning of so much. "What if" probably birthed every invention known to man. Every movement in human history probably began with "what if"... "what if we could be free", "what if we took a stand", "what if there's a better way to live".

Unfortunately for me, most of my "what ifs" stem from mistakes I've made. "What if" is the greatest enemy I've ever had. It's all because, for the majority of my life, I've been the posterboy for missed opportunities. Especially when it comes to--- you guessed it--- love.

As a kid I was a really shy cat. The one desire I had was acceptance (which was hard to get since I was usually the "smart kid" in my class), so rejection was something I didn't know how to deal with. My attitude was, "better to never ask than to ask and be rejected."

Then came high school, where I was less afraid of being rejected and more afraid of getting involved with the wrong girls. I was overly picky with purpose: 1) I didn't want a girl who was all beauty on the outside and all ugly on the inside; 2) I didn't want the vice versa... or let's say I didn't want a girl who was a gem, but didn't attract me, because attraction does play its part. Bottom line, I didn't want a girl that didn't truly excite me because I might be tempted to cheat or not put my all into the relationship. So my attitude was now, "wait... wait... not yet... wait... waaaaait... aaaaalmost...".

Yeah, that continued all the way thru my first year in college...

Now we get to the "what if's". Ladies and gentlemen, there is no heartbreak like the heartbreak of the unknown. It's one thing when you're in a relationship and it doesn't work out; that's painful to deal with. It's something worse when you wonder what might have been and have no way to ever find an answer. I decided to put the following events into episodes:

Episode 1...
There was a special young lady in high school that I was too afraid to ask out. Actually, when I think back, it was because I was pursuing someone I was stuck on from middle school, but I'll get to that later... Long story short, by the time I got up the nerve to approach her, that very same day I transferred high schools. Sad thing was, I found out she was actually down to be with me.

But here's the most beautiful part. I kept dreaming about her and kept telling myself, "if I could only see her again... just one more opportunity..." When I was about 19 or 20 (I'm 22 now by the way) I got word she was working in the mall. No hesitation, I jumped in my car and flew down the highway with my mind set to do what I should've done back in high school...

BOY should I have done it in high school!!!

(cue waterworks) Come to find out, she's married now; I'm talking, she was pregnant when I was talking to her. And me being the Christian I claim to be, I couldn't dream of trying to change that. Even though, and my sister attested to this, she seemed sincerely happy to see me.

What If's 1, Jig 0.

Episode 2...
Chronologically, I shoulda put this first. But it occurred in two parts, so time isn't really important. Oh well...

Back in the 10th grade, there was a particular young lady; I don't know where she was from, but she had that "Atlanta" vibe all over her. She was very forward, very beautiful, with that "annoying" southern twang, and dancing skills... oh my, dancing skills like... well, I didn't know what a three-point stance was until she came along. That's between you and me...

I got word that she was feelin the new kid (that was me in the 10th grade) and Lord knows how I was feelin about her. Her friends kept interrogating me with random questions and going back to her (I surmised; wasn't 100% certain but I had a hunch). I was dead set to ask her out. And guess what folks... I DID IT! I straight up approached her! ME! Prollem was (that's "problem" for you sticklers), she politely said she wasn't feeling me like that. I didn't believe her, but what could I say. To this day, I still think I just approached her wrong.

But that little bit of doubt--- "What if she was lying?"--- it stuck with me for YEARS. You know that song by Aaliyah, "Try Again"? I kept wondering if that was all I had to do. Then it happened... Last year her little brother and my little sister were supposed to graduate high school in the same class. Meaning... she would HAVE to be at graduation, right? I got my clothes tight, cleaned my shoes (which I never do), got a fresh cut, let my family ride separately; it was perfect.

Got to the graduation, and I was checking HARD. Next thing I know, I run into my homeboy who's a DJ. 'Hadn't seen him for a year and a half, so we start talking on some music tip. Ladies and Gentlemen... SHE ARRIVED AND WALKED RIGHT BEHIND ME. She had on a blue sundress with the shoulders open and no straps. Soft, beautiful, skin. Just flawless, even moreso than I remembered. Come to think of it, she's one of the few that actually seemed to look BETTER as years went by.

So what did I do?... (dropping my head) I said, "Hi". She said, "Hi". I asked how she was doing. She said she was fine. Then... I... went... back... to... talking... to... the... DJ?!!!! Well, in my shock, I immediately made a mental note of the fact that she didn't seem overly joyed to see me or anything. In retrospect... I CHOKED. I BLEW it. I LOST CONTROL. To be so bold all those years ago, only to choke on the second attempt...

What If's 2, Jig 0.

Episode 3...
I got one more. This time, I was in college. My first year. And I met somebody. An exotic girl who dug the same music I was into--- I mean, how many girls out there are into Goodie Mob? She was interesting to me because she was so different than any of the girls I had kicked it with in the past: shaped like a sista, pale-skinned (not white), indian facial features, but somehow just a round-the-way girl in the summation of it. In some way no one would ever agree with, I saw something of myself in her that attracted me beyond measure. To be honest, she was the first girl in my life that I ever envisioned myself marrying.

Now, no offense to my sistas, but any seasoned brotha would know better than to listen to sistas when it comes to forming opinions on a person anything short of a sista. Me... I was as far from seasoned as one could be at the time; a pure love rookie. So when my ladyfriends started telling me to stay away from her, I trusted them instantly. And just imagine, I used to be the smartest kid in school just a few years before that...

It's not that the girls were wrong per se. But this is the lesson I learned from it all: before you believe anyone, even somebodyyou think is looking out for your best interest, find out for yourself. I cut this girl out of my life before I let her get too close. And to this day, I keep asking myself, "What if they were wrong?" And it doesn't even matter if they were right because, guess what... There's no proof of that either.

Now she's living out her dreams in the music business, the only real common ground I ever allowed to exist between us.

What If's 3, Jig 0

Now, I've seen and been in MC text battles on the Net. 3-0 in the voting is a KO. So that's about how I'm feeling right now. My advice to all the young hearts out there... don't have any "what if's" to follow you for the rest of your life. They're not pleasant company for long trips, warm nights, quite moments alone...